This week picks up where we left off last week: Ian telling Kaitlyn what he thinks about her:
Oh shit, he didn’t even finish last week! He has more! “I’m not looking to plow her field, I’m looking for deeper than surface level.” The Princeton is showing, Ian, when you plow you have to go below the surface of the ground. I think?
Kaitlyn says that he is offending her. Ian says “I’m not trying to offend you.” Ian, you are clearly trying to offend, at least own up to that part of it. If you didn’t want to offend, then
you just tell her you’re leaving. If you want to burn down her entire life, on the other hand, then burn down her entire life.
The conversation finally ends and Ian walks out
Nick, ever the opportunist, goes over to Kaitlyn and tells her that he wants everything Ian wants and he sees all of that in Kaitlyn. And they make out again. Give Nick credit, he knows how to seize the moment.
Rose Ceremony: Joshua and Justin go home. No surprises there. Justin was a nobody all season and Joshua was DOA after his meltdown about Nick.
Next the gang is headed to Dublin, Ireland.
There’s never been much drama in Ireland, so this should be boring.
-Nick gets the first one on one. No one is happy, but Shawn is irate. He was really close to going on a Nick rant on his last date and it’s all he can do not to explode when Nick walks out with her again. This is a pot that is close to boiling over…
They go on a WALKING AROUND date. FINALLY!! They walk around and do a lot of making out, they only have a few drinks so this is unlike anything I know of Ireland or
dating in general.
They go to dinner in a cathedral, where they mostly just make out. It looked very sacrelicious. [Sacrilegious + delicious]
Nick gets the rose. Then Kaitlyn asks if he wants to go back to her hotel “and hang out for a minute.” We all know where this is heading. Nick spends the night, and when he returns to hang out with the dudes he tells the guys how the date went…
In the real world (either the literal real world or the TV show The Real World), this isn’t a huge deal. You’re having a romantic evening with someone. You’re in a romantic mood. You don’t want the night to end. So you say something romantic like “let’s visit fuckflap junction” and go home with them.
But this show doesn’t exist in reality. On this show, when there are 9 guys with their
sanity hanging by a thread, a whiskey-fueled bangathon with one of them could produce a lot more than an illegitimate Irish baby.
-Next up is a group date with 6 guys.
“The date card is some kind of morbid poem written by Chris Harrison..”- Shawn. Finally someone else is realizing what a creep that guy is! As if on cue, Chris Harrison tells the guys “Kaitlyn is dead.” I’m dead. Dead tired of your macabre humor, Chris Harrison.
They will be having an Irish wake! Hey, I take it all back, this is the greatest date of all time. The guys get to get plastered on beer and whiskey and sing Irish tunes while Kaitlyn lays there imagining last night with Nick.
The guys had to each give a eulogy for Kaitlyn. They actually all have a fun time with it and they all also use the opportunity to open up with her. All of the guys make big emotional plays. Ben Z talks about how he’s opening up after getting over his mom passing away, Shawn shows her family pictures. But Jared gets the rose and extra time.
They get a private concert from The Cranberries in a cathedral. They chose not to perform their hit song “Zombie” and instead sang some romantic crap. On a date where she was in a coffin and is now walking around you have to sing Zombie!
-Shawn has a bit of a meltdown to a producer. He is having a hard time with the fact that
he’s pouring his heart out and she’s still going on dates with Nick and Jared. If you really love her that does have to be frustrating, but that’s the show! She has a contract, she can’t just run off with you if she likes you the best when there are 8 other guys left. Unless you’re Nick, then she doesn’t give a fuck.
Shawn says that Kaitlyn told him in private that he is “the one.” But after saying that she’s gone on dates with other guys and he knows she’d go to the fantasy suite with other guys. [The fantasy suite or a hotel room in Dublin! *high fives Nick*] Shawn says he might be “done.” He goes to her hotel room to talk things over with her. She gives Nick time to hide
and lets Shawn inside. She’s worried that he is here to confront her about Nick. And SURPRISE we get another cliffhanger. For once it actually seems warranted. That was an action-packed episode.
6. Joe (Insurance agent, 28)
I don’t give Joe much of a chance, but he’ll be around for another week. His reaction to the revelation of the Nick-Kaitlyn merger will be quiet shock followed by gentlemanly scowling.
5. Chris (Cupcake, 28)
This guy is so far into the friend zone he might as well be helping her try on wedding dresses. His reaction to finding out about Nick and Kaitlyn will definitely be tears.
4. Ben H (Software Salesman, 26)
Ben still has a chance but he’ll need some one on one time as other guys are starting to separate themselves from the pack and putting themselves inside Kaitlyn. If you catch my drift. His reaction to the Kaitlyn-Nick news will be to stare out a window longingly.
3. Shawn (Meltdown, 28)
If he could keep his shit together, Shawn would be right there with Nick at the top. But I don’t think he can keep from a catastrophic meltdown. When you sign up for this show, you’re going to have to be ready to see the woman you “love” going on dates with other guys. Some of those dates will be weird Chris Harrison death/torture dates. But some of those dates could end with her getting her freak on with another guy. It’s not fun, but it’s part of the deal. Just pretend to go along with it and then be really passive aggressive about it after you win. It’s the American way.
2. Jared (Restaurant manager, 26)
Much like Shawn, Jared is a top contender. And much like Shawn, he and Kaitlyn seem to have some strong mutual feels for each other. But unlike Shawn, Jared is able to keep a poker face when she goes out canoodling with other guys. And that is going to keep him in this game. His reaction to Nick and Kaitlyn’s rendezvous will be pure terror and anger to the camera, but to Kaitlyn he’ll say “it’s cool.”
1. Nick (Walk of Shame, 34)
Nick has had her wrapped around his finger from the moment he walked on this show. She definitely likes a few of the other guys, but right now they’re no match for him. If he doesn’t overplay his hand, I’m almost ready to declare this locked up. It’s worth noting, though, that the last time he had sex on this show he got sent home a day later. So we’ll see if this time he picked up any tips and pointers from Chris Harrison’s book.
BOLD PREDICTION: This may not be very bold, but I think Shawn takes off. It’s rare to see a top contender take themselves out of the game, but he seems too emotionally unstable to stick around. So another huge roadblock to Nick’s inevitable victory will be gone. Shawn will compete with Ian to be the next bachelor.