The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week 7

Last week ended with Shawn going to Kaitlyn’s hotel room.  He was going there because he’s insecure.  She thought he was there to bring up that she gave Nick the business last week.  There’s nothing like hotel confrontations to forge a lifelong bond

shining

Shawn asks her point blank: “are you in love with me?” Kaitlyn says “I’m falling in love with you.” Shawn isn’t sure if he can stay on the show when he’s going to have to watch her
keep going on dates with other guys. Then they make out.  It’s hard to tell if that went well or not.

-Next up, a two-on-one date.  Two men enter, one man leaves.  THUNDERDOME

thunderdome

JJ vs. Joe.  Before the date, Kaitlyn gives her assessment of the guys:

JJ is “edgy”, Joe is “hilarious, romantic, sweet, a treat.” Hmm, I wonder which of these guys is coming out of the Thunderdome.

They’re going on a boat date. Not a catamaran, not a sailboat. Some shitty looking fishing boat that looks like it sank during the Perfect Storm. Ireland knows how to do luxury.

JJ says: “In the home of Bono, I wanted U2 know that I’m really falling for you.”

JJ, I’ve been watching this show for several years now. I have seen and heard a lot in that time. And, my friend, that was the fucking BEST LINE I HAVE EVER HEARD.

JJ has some private time with Kaitlyn to tell her that he cheated on his ex-wife. It’s ok, JJ, she’s been cheating on you with Nick and 9 other guys.

Joe goes for a different strategy and tells her he is falling in love with her and they make out on the beach.

Joe gets the rose.

-After Joe gets back with the rose, Shawn has another meltdown. Shawn, I really don’t know if you are cut out for this show. Which could be a compliment.

Shawn goes to her hotel room again. She needs to tell ABC to tighten up security. Shawn is still upset that she told him he’s the one and she’s still going on with the show. Kaitlyn explains to him, again, that they have to go through the process. Shawn, again, THIS IS A TV SHOW WITH RULES.  It seems like Shawn’s neediness is starting to turn her off. She claims to the camera that saying to Shawn that he was “the one” was a mistake. She thinks she has given Shawn too much “reassurance” when there are other guys around that she is falling for.

I’m just upset that this is twice where we could have seen Shawn’s face when she revealed the truth about Nick and we were robbed of that moment because Shawn being needy overshadowed everything.  No one likes needy, Shawn.  Not Kaitlyn, and not the live-blogging community.

At the cocktail party (which is occurring 50 fucking minutes into the episode, so fuck you Chris Harrison), Ben H confronts Kaitlyn because he thinks “something happened” when she came to talk to Shawn, and he wants to make sure he isn’t just spinning his wheels. Kaitlyn cries again, but they make out. This conversation with Shawn is turning out to be a much bigger problem than Nick’s baby in her uterus.

Speaking of Nick, she tells him not to talk about “what happened” to other people. She tells Nick that the other guys are freaking out on her because of him. Nick panics and says “um um um um um um” and starts crying. Then they make out. Weird pattern of guys just lunging at her face after getting extremely emotional.

She talks to Shawn yet again and the romance is deader than Nick’s baby after all the wine she is drinking.  She says it was a mistake that she told him he was “the one,” and basically tells him that she was lying because she wanted to reassure him.  And to add insult to injury she tells him that him being so needy about it has made her have doubts about their relationship. This guy has fallen harder than…Ireland’s GDP during the housing crisis of 2008? Dammit, I’m sorry, I’m out of ethnic jokes, they really need to move on to another country.

At the Rose Ceremony (which is occurring 1 hour and 15 minutes into the show): Tanner and Ben Z go home.  No surprises there.

-Next they are going…..to somewhere else in Ireland.

ireland

-Kaitlyn and Jared go on a road trip to the Blarney Stone.  It’s a familiar feeling for Jared to kiss something that all sorts of other people had their mouths on earlier in the day.

-Chris Harrison shows up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room.  Kaitlyn says she regrets what happened with Nick and Shawn, Chris Harrison says “GOOD!” in a very judgy tone.  He says that she’s had off-camera time with a few guys, so he wants her to have off-camera time with the other guys before hometown dates.  Instead of next week being hometown, next week will be fantasy suite week.  So instead of narrowing it down to 4 guys for next week, she has to narrow it down to 3.  Kaitlyn was already an emotional wreck because she can’t handle rejecting people, and this isn’t going to help.  Chris Harrison changes the rules a little  AND EVERYONE LOSES THEIR MINDS

joker

-Chris the cupcake/dentist gets the final one-on-one date of the week. It’s a HELICOPTER DATE. They fly around the countryside and have a picnic on a picturesque cliff. Kaitlyn breaks down in tears and tells him that she doesn’t see them together. Kaitlyn leaves and Chris also breaks down in tears and starts sobbing. Sobbing hard. Normally I’d make fun of him for melting down so hard, but in fairness it was an emotional moment and he was standing on a cliff overlooking a sunset…no, I can’t do it, he cried! He cried like a baby! What a loser!

I've never cried

I’ve never cried

Episode over.  They don’t even do cliffhangers anymore.  Though I guess this technically was a cliff hanger since the episode ended with Chris contemplating jumping off of a cliff.

POWER RANKINGS

Joe

5.  Joe (Moonshine, 28)

Still don’t think Joe has much of a chance.  To his credit, he probably isn’t going to have a needy meltdown when he finds out how far behind he is.  So some of the other guys might meltdown so hard that he’s able to jump past them.

shawn b

4. Shawn (The one, 28)

What a fall from the top this has been.  Shawn is definitely the type of guy who sheds tears if he doesn’t get a response to a text within 3 minutes.  I think he’s got a good shot to make the top 3, if he can avoid anymore pointless emotional meltdowns.  Which is like saying I have a good chance at dating Jade, if her bodyguards would just stop punching me in the face when I approached her.

Ben H

3.  Ben H (Software Salesman, 26)

Ben might be able to stick around because he has enough of a backbone to speak up to Kaitlyn, but without coming across like a walking 9/11 like Shawn.  It’s a coin flip right now in my book between him and Shawn for who gets to advance to fantasy suite week.  If Ben gets a one on one date next week I think he books his ticket to the fantasy suite (aka Nick’s room).

430.1x1

2.  Jared (Resembles a rat, 26)

Jared seems tailor-made to be the guy on this show who the bachelorette keeps around only to reject at the final rose ceremony.  Nothing wrong with him, just clearly not the top choice and not crazy enough to self immolate and leave early.  There’s one every year, and Jared fits the bill.

Nick V

1. Nick (Winning, 34)

Nick continues his reign of terror, as he unwittingly helped Kaitlyn mind fuck Shawn into some major meltdowns.  He showed a little insecure neediness of his own this week, reminding us all why Andi rejected him.  But until the other guys stop literally crying about how much she likes him, Nick still has to be the front runner.

BOLD PREDICTION:   Chris Harrison all but told Kaitlyn this week that since she already had sex with Nick that she has to have sex with the other guys before she goes home to their parents. Kaitlyn will still claim in at least one of her interviews to the camera that the fantasy suite isn’t about sex.  Chris Harrison will be investigated for violations of anti-trafficking laws for telling Kaitlyn at knife point that she has to sleep with all of the guys

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