All of the cliffhangers have me confused. Is this fantasy suite week, or is it next week? In any event, fantasy suites are coming up soon so Kaitlyn has some big decisions to make. Why not stay in Ireland?
-Ben gets the first one on one. They’re going on a rowboat date. Are catamarans banned in Ireland or something? They go to a historic island and tour the ruins. “It’s not often you get a private island to yourself with a beautiful girl.” Good observation, it really isn’t very often that you get a private island to yourself for a date. I never thought about it until just now, but I’ve never had a date on a private island!
They play hide and seek, and Kaitlyn basically hides in plain sight. Another sign that she isn’t wifey material.
“We continue to do all these ordinary things that feel incredible.” -Ben.
Ordinary things like a private island date! Nothing on this show is “ordinary,” when will these idiots get that through their thick skulls?
Kaitlyn asks Ben what he thinks about the “overnight dates,” Ben gives the standard TV response to that question which is “I’m looking forward to spending time together and talking off-camera.” Kaitlyn thinks that because he didn’t say “I’m looking forward playing hide and seek on YOUR private island,” that he might be a virgin. Ben says “LOL, yeah, I’m a virgin, just like you!”
Kaitlyn is mollified, that seems like it went pretty well.
-Next up is a group date with Joe, Nick, and Shawn. Seems like it is just an “ordinary” date, meaning a picnic on the grounds of a historic Irish castle. Though I guess it is “ordinary” by Kaitlyn standards because it doesn’t have any meaningless competition or humiliation….yet.
Kaitlyn asks Nick how she feels about “the other night.” Nick, a reality show professional, talks in such a way that his microphone has trouble picking up what he’s saying but I think it was something like “Mrmrthfmamffh.”
Joe tells Kaitlyn he’s in love with her. Kaitlyn sends him home. Joe decides to be an adult and not have a drawn-out breakup conversation, which pisses Kaitlyn off.
Kaitlyn tells Nick and Shawn that she isn’t ready to give out the rose. Instead she wants Nick to go back to the hotel (HIS hotel, not hers) and wants to spend some more time with Shawn.
She needs “more time” so she can bluntly tell Shawn that she had sex with Nick.
Shawn has refused to say Nick’s name since he showed up. He always calls Nick “the other guy.” Needless to say he doesn’t take the news well.
Shawn goes to the bathroom to “regroup.” When he comes back he says that ultimately he wants Kaitlyn and he is still falling for her and so he’s not going to storm out.
Kaitlyn seems disappointed. I think she may have wanted Shawn to leave on his own so she wouldn’t have to make the difficult decision to send him home on her own later.
Rose Ceremony: Kaitlyn says Shawn’s name, but he says he wants to talk to her first.
Shawn tells her he understands she’s going to have other relationships, but he can’t get over that she told him he was “the one.” Kaitlyn tells him that that was a mistake because she has to keep exploring relationships with other guys, but that she wants to keep exploring the relationship with him too.
Shawn accepts the rose. Ben and Nick also get roses.
Jared goes home. He goes out like a class act, meaning he wants to be the next bachelor.
-Now I guess we officially move on to FANTASY SUITE week. This takes us to Cork, Ireland.
We are staying in Ireland? Either the travel budget for this show has been slashed or a leprechaun stole everyone’s passports.
Nick gets the first one on one. This seems anticlimactic. She has been smitten since Nick showed up uninvited and she’s already let him kiss the Blarney Stone. What else does he have to prove during fantasy suite week?
She talks about how she knows their relationship is deep and “real” as they get a private tour of a historic cathedral and drink in famous Irish pubs. She asks some old Irish guys what the trick is to being married for 40 years. “Lots of drinking in pubs alone, and get married in a country where divorce was illegal until recently” say the old Irish guys.
Later, Nick decides he needs to finish off the competition. He tells her that he has gotten to know the guys, and there’s only one that he has no respect for. He tells her that Shawn has been bragging that he’s “eskimo brothers with a famous country singer.” Nick is pulling out all the stops to make sure that he and Shawn don’t become eskimo brothers. Kaitlyn isn’t phased at all that Nick is just transparently trying to sabotage one of the other guys, and instead is upset that the other guys keep only telling her that Nick is a scumbag rather than Shawn. Sometimes when a person is told that their significant other is a terrible scumbag, they listen. Other times when a person is told that their significant other is a terrible scumbag, they adopt an “us against the world” mentality and ignore all reason. I wonder which way Kaitlyn will go….
Kaitlyn can’t give Nick the FANTASY SUITE invite fast enough. Kaitlyn again says that “this [getting private tours and catered dinners in historic cathedrals and jails at a resort in Ireland] felt like such a normal day of being a couple.” Spending the first few weeks of your relationship together vacationing at resorts is the most normal thing I can think of! Though, in fairness, maybe it is more normal than being eskimo brothers with a famous country singer.
Normally during fantasy suite week I make comparisons to the MLB All-Star game, as they are contemporaneous and I lack the capacity for more sophisticated analogies. But Nick’s game is so far ahead of the pack I don’t think there is a comparison for him in the world of sports. He is simply an unstoppable force. The other guys on this show are dinosaurs, and Nick is the asteroid that made them all extinct.
-Shawn decides he needs to confront Nick. He says what all the other guys have been saying about Nick- he’s manipulative, he’s cocky, he’s two-faced, he is having too much sex with Kaitlyn, etc. But finally he’s here to say it to Nick’s face.
Shawn thinks Nick is here just to get on TV and improve his reputation after he went out like such a punk on Andi’s season. The argument continues, and we get a cliffhanger. Sorry, Shawn, but the damage is already done.
3. Shawn (Eskimo, 28)
I think Shawn may have had a chance to win this in any other year, but he has proven to be no match for Nick. Nick is so far into his head it isn’t even funny. And in fairness to Kaitlyn, Shawn seems like a psycho. He’s from Connecticut and talks with a southern accent for fuck’s sake. So, ultimately, rejecting him will be the right move. The only question will be whether Nick’s “eskimo brother” hail mary will keep Shawn out of the fantasy suite.
2. Ben (Irrelevant, 26)
Ben’s best case scenario is a pity romp in the fantasy suite and a classy exit that gives him a shot to be the next Bachelor. I have a better chance of being unblocked by Jade on twitter than Ben does of winning.
1. Nick (Other guy, 34)
From minute one he has had Kaitlyn wrapped around his finger. He’s basically shown that this whole season would have been fraudulent because she was much more attracted to him than she was to any of the other guys. And he gives hope to all of the guys out there who reach out to rejected contestants on social media- this entire relationship is based on Nick commenting on Kaitlyn’s pictures and then sliding into her DMs. (If you catch my drift.) I think I genuinely dislike Nick as a human being, but you have to respect his game on this show.
BOLD PREDICTION: It took Ireland longer than most western countries to legalize things like divorce and birth control. After its citizens see The Bachelorette commit this level of debauchery from Culdaff to Portmagee, Ireland is going to pass laws that make ISIS seem liberal.