The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Finale

The finale! Will Kaitlyn choose the weird guy from the midwest or the weird guy from the northeast that talks like he’s from the south?  We’re starting off in Malibu

malibu

As if there was any doubts that ABC is cutting the show’s budget, the finale is in Malibu. Malibu is a ritzy, gorgeous beach town. But the finale is supposed to be somewhere absurd! The top of a mountain in Switzerland, a remote island in the South Pacific, the set where they filmed the Moon landing, etc.

I don’t think it is isolated to just this show. ABC/Disney is belt-tightening and trimming the fat across the board. Bill Simmons is gone from ESPN, many of the celebrities on Dancing with the Stars are third-rate, and on The Biggest Loser they are literally being forced to tighten their belts and trim their fat.*

*evidently The Biggest Loser is on NBC. Please remove that example and insert “and Jason  Whitlock’s sandwich budget is down to 6 figures.” Thank you.

-Kaitlyn’s family is here to kick things off. Much like Nick’s family, they don’t seem to be thrilled to be going through this horseshit again. Kaitlyn’s family watched Andi’s season and ask Kaitlyn how she could she dishonor her homeland of Canada by falling for a guy like Nick. Kaitlyn’s mom, you are just driving her right into his arms. Only a show like this could make a glorified internet troll like Nick seem like an unattainable bad boy.

“You were possessive, jealous, arrogant…” – Kaitlyn’s mom to Nick.  Good way to start things off.

Nick tells Kaitlyn’s mom that on the first go-round on this show he was there just to find generic love. But this time he was here to find Kaitlyn. So were HALF of the other guys that came on this season. But he also cried, so that wins over Kaitlyn’s mom.

Kaitlyn’s family seems pretty smitten, and Nick didn’t even have to comment on their Instagram photos.

-Shawn shows up and Nick has worked his magic on Kaitlyn’s family so they are highly skeptical of Shawn. But his aw shucks honesty is apparently as effective as Nick’s tearful arrogance, because they seem like they love him. Possibly even more than they loved Nick or more than Shawn loves following country music singers around.

-Nick’s final date is on a boat in Marina Del Rey. His final date with Andi was in the Dominican Republic. But this is a CATAMARAN DATE.

I'M BACK BITCHES

I’M BACK BITCHES

A catamaran on the Bachelorette is one of the strongest predictors of future success that we have in this country right now. This could be over.

He says “I got you a gift, it’s in my bedroom…” and America got ready to start being outraged, but he got her a framed picture of their first date on the show with a love note on the other side of the frame.  This might be locked up, but she still has a date with Shawn…

-Shawn gets a picnic in Malibu for his final date. They have some pretty awkward conversation with much less making out than she did with Nick. Shawn pulls out a jar that he has filled with mementos from their various dates. Golf tees, postcards, the condom wrapper from when she banged Nick after one of their dates, etc. Kaitlyn seems genuinely appreciative and impressed, but is it enough to beat a catamaran?

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

The proposals are taking place in the same mansion where the show started. Artistic decision to have the show come full circle, or is the show so broke that they are down to only being able to afford this one locale?

Nick is first out of the limo. He gives his spiel and begins to propose, and Kaitlyn stops him! She tells him she needed all of the time to be sure, and she isn’t sure. She says her heart is with someone else. Nick says “it was REAL TO ME DAMMIT”

real

Nick seems more angry than sad. This is a shocking upset. Kaitlyn seemed smitten and she even gave him the catamaran (so to speak). But Nick is officially 0-2 with women he sleeps with on national TV. Back to social media, Nick, YOU GONE

goodbyegif

goodbyegif2

goodbyegif3

Shawn is up next. He gives his proposal and Kaitlyn tells him she loves him too and accepts. Shawn went from winning the first impression rose, to being told he was the one, to winning the competition. Why does this feel so surprising?

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Kaitlyn and Shawn are still together and give the standard answers about how happy they are and how they finally get to be in public blah blah.

Now for the real action- Nick is here to talk about his feelings.

Unlike when he showed up after Andi’s rejection, Nick seems like he is trying his best to remain civil. He says he let his guard down and really did fall for her, but he isn’t trying to burn the place down like he did after Andi picked Josh.

this-is-fine-meme

I think Nick is trying to be civil and sympathetic so he has a shot at The Bachelor.

Shawn joins Nick on the couch and for the second time in his life he is closely associated with one of his eskimo brothers. They clearly don’t like each other still, but there’s no fireworks and they both admit they were immature at times in their feud.

Next Kaitlyn joins Nick on the couch. Nick wants to know how she could say “I love you” to
him so late in the process. She says that she “loved” basically everyone on the show and the only one who was special was Shawn. Kaitlyn seems to be doing a lot of retconning. She says some things that suddenly is making it seem like Nick showing up was an unwelcome intrusion that she didn’t want. When, at least to this viewer, it seemed like she couldn’t jump into his pants fast enough when he showed up.

Pretty standard “After the Final Rose” fare:  the couple says they’e happy, the loser is confused, the bachelorette tries to pretend like she wasn’t as into the loser as she really was.  I can’t say I’m too confident in Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship prospects.  One thing they have in their favor is that Shawn already knew how into Nick Kaitlyn was (and how into Kaitlyn Nick was, if you catch my drift).  Oftentimes the winner doesn’t learn about all of the shenanigans until they have to watch on TV.  But Shawn already knew pretty much everything so there shouldn’t have been too many surprises for him.  Still though, they both seem too unstable to have this work out.  As always, thanks for reading.  Be sure to tune in to Bachelor in Paradise to see if Nick will parachute in to try to find love with various other women he’s hit on via social media.

chicken

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