The Bachelor 2016: Preemptive Power Rankings

The Bachelor is back!

1352647072_6779_the-bachelor

Though for me, it never leaves.  I can stop watching the show but it is always with me.  Anywhere I go.  Watching me..

This season’s bachelor is Ben H.

Ben H

Ben was in the final three for Kaitlyn on the last season of The Bachelorette before she sent him home to focus on the two sociopaths she preferred.

As has become tradition, ABC posted biographies and pics of the 28 women who will be competing for the opportunity to get engaged to Ben and in all probability break up with him not long thereafter.  And has also become tradition, I decided that it is my place to pass judgment on these women who are brave/interesting/psychotic enough to try to find love on national TV.   Here are some girls who caught my eye and/or presented the opportunity for cheap jokes:

emilyhaley

Emily and Haley (Twins, 22)

AND TWINZZZZ

They list their occupation as “twin” and Emily’s answer to the question of “if you could be anyone else for one day..” is Haley.  Twins have been fighting hard for centuries to convince people that they aren’t all creepy psychopaths, Emily and Haley are going to erase all of that.

Caila

Caila (Software Sales Rep., 24)

Caila is in software sales, she wants to take short pointless trips around the world, and she enjoys wearing the same color as Ben.  She and Ben already strike me as soulmates.

Caila says she hates it when a guy curses, picks his nose, breathes heavily, and is too cheesy.  She is most assuredly not my soulmate.

Jackie

Jackie (Gerontologist, 23)

Gerontologist?  That’s a new one for me.  Without googling it my guess is that it is a fancy word for someone who cleans the thumbprints off of glasses at Lenscrafters.

Rachel

Rachel (Unemployed, 23)

Unemployed?  Rachel, have you not watched this show before?  We always have people who list “former athlete” as a career instead of saying “unemployed.”  There are even people on this show that list non-existent jobs like “twin” or “attorney.”  You can even just make a word up like “gerontologist.” Don’t be so honest.

tiara

Tiara (26, Chicken Enthusiast)

See, Rachel, you could have said something like this!  Chicken enthusiast, hm? I suspect she is on this show solely to deliver the zinger “yeah I love cock” answer to a “You’re a chicken enthusiast?!?” question.  But it’d be funnier if she is actually a chicken researcher with a PhD in avian diseases or an advocate for chicken rights and she is furious and fed up with all the jokes.  Well, Tiara, I would definitely cross the road to meet you. [The show debuts in a month, I’ll work on some better chicken jokes before then].

The season premiers on January 4th on ABC, check it out.

 

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