The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 1

It’s time.

1352647072_6779_the-bachelor

28 women are ready to potentially sabotage their reputations beyond repair for the chance to spend brief moments with a guy in the hopes that he proposes to them mere weeks after he learned their name.  Or maybe, just maybe, they’ll find love.

This season the bachelor is Ben.

ben h

Ben was rejected by Kaitlyn on last season of The Bachelorette. To be honest, I don’t remember a ton about him. It could be because, as a normal person, he was unremarkable next to the cast of psychopaths that Kaitlyn had assembled. Or it could be because of the emotional trauma I suffered when Jade and Tanner got engaged on Bachelor in Paradise.

no funeral

Either way, on with the show..

Highlights of the Limo Introductions:

-Jami is from Canada.  She claimed that she knows Kaitlyn, also from Canada (it’s a small country), and Kaitlyn has told her some things about Ben.  Ben’s face lights up and he’s excited to hear what Kaitlyn said.  “She said you have a really, really big…[pause for way too long]……heart.”  Dick jokes get me every time.  Jami ended up getting a rose so I trust Ben’s judgment already.

-Lace got out of the limo, walked up, and kissed him on the mouth before he had the chance to speak, object, or even blink. She then immediately bragged that she got the first kiss.  You have to love that kind of initiative.

-Jennifer’s cleavage.

-Maegan arrives with a mini pony.  I don’t give a shit about Maegan and neither did Ben, but everyone loves a mini pony

mini pony

Make America Great Again

-Emily and Haley are twins.  [Side note: I spelled their names Emileey and Haileey at first because I assumed they would be the type of people that have misspelled names.  You know the type I mean.].  Initially I thought this would be a dumb gimmick, but they kept seemingly accidentally saying the same thing at the same time so I found it hilarious and somewhat endearing.  And The Shining is one of my favorite movies.

shining twins

Lowlights of the Limo Introductions:

-Breanne says that she is anti-gluten, so she would like to “break bread” with Ben.  She pulls out some loaves of bread and starts smashing them.  Everyone loves when you start violently talking about your food allergies on a first date!

-Rachel (career: unemployed) arrives on a hoverboard.  Like many of the women, she has a cheesy pun planned.  Unfortunately hers is “my love burns hotter for you than this hoverboard.”

hoverboard

-Lauren R. ( there were 40 Laurens so we have to use initials) said that she “stalked” him on social media.  If she was joking that’s a decent opening line, but then she proceeded to list everything he’s been up to over the last few months in excruciating detail.  It quickly crossed from flattering to frightening.  Then she also refused to tell him her name.  Which may have been a calculated move, considering how many other Laurens are there.

-Direct quote from my notes:  “Laura- ginger- go home.”  I’m putting that in the lowlights because I felt bad after writing it.  She didn’t get a rose.

Cocktail Party

The first night is always a whirlwind.  20+ nervous women in a house pumped full of booze and forced to socialize with each other and flirt awkwardly with a guy they just met.  It got a little more tense this time because Becca and Amber, two rejects from previous seasons, also arrived and threw their hats into the ring.  Amber is best known for being a non-descript attractive person on multiple seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise.  Becca is best known for being a finalist in Chris’ season of The Bachelor and for being a virgin.  I don’t say that as an insult, it’s true! I’m just reporting the news here, what do you want from me? Anyway, the other girls were extra panicky in the presence of two women who have failed on this show before.

Some women shine under pressure and make a great impression on Ben.  Other women hit the sauce a little too hard and start to meltdown.  Lace, in particular.  She made a great impression on Ben initially, but the drunker she gets the more she starts insulting the other girls and freaking out that she isn’t getting enough one on one time.  Proving that this show exists in a weird alternate universe, Ben tells Lace that he doesn’t want to make out with her any more until he knows her better, but he still wants to keep her around.

Huey the mini pony gets completely ignored.

Running “right reasons” tally:  0. Is that possible? Did I miss it?  This show is becoming too self-aware if the contestants aren’t saying “right reasons.”

You’re dead if you drank every time……Ben said “gorgeous.”  Ben,  it’s true that there were a lot of gorgeous women there.  But you have to step up your vocab.

POWER RANKINGS

mandi

6. Mandi (Dentist, 28)

Mandi did all kinds of weird stuff tonight.  She dressed up as a rose.  She examined Ben’s teeth to make sure he flosses.  She made really bad dental puns.  She’s pretty clearly just here to be weird and get some attention, but hey, I’ll ride that train for a few weeks.

Lauren B

5.  Lauren B (Flight Attendant, 25)

Lauren and Ben had a pretty immediate connection, in spite of her continuously saying that she wants their love to “take off.”  She was also shocked and appalled at some of the behavior of the crazier women in the house, so that is a strong indication that she could be one of the few normal people there.

Amanda

4. Amanda (Esthetician, 25)

Amanda didn’t get much air time at the cocktail party, but she had one of the best opening intro videos of anyone there where she talked about her career, her divorce, and being a single mom.  And she is far and away one of the hottest contestants.  She is definitely a contender.

Caila

3. Caila (Software Sales, 24)

Like Amanda, Caila had a great intro.  She told a story about how she was in a relationship but basically decided to end it when she saw Ben on The Bachelorette.  That is either certifiably insane or incredibly romantic (my money is on insane).  She lept into Ben’s arms as her limo intro and they even have the same career field.  As long as she doesn’t see any movies or TV shows and fall in love in the next few weeks, she is going to be in this for the long haul.

Lace

2. Lace (Real Estate, 25)

Lace had a stronger opening night than anyone.  She showed a lot of confidence in kissing Ben out of the gate and settling into the role as the girl who judges the others and calls them out for petty reasons (“her boobs are too small for that dress” was one gem of Lace’s).  Then she raised her game even further by getting drunk and accosting Ben about why he wouldn’t make eye contact with her after he already gave her a rose.  Ben had literally moments earlier given her a rose, the symbol that he wants her to remain on the show, and she began questioning whether he wanted her there.  I don’t think Lace will last long, but she is not going to fade out quietly.  She is exploding like a supernova.

Olivia

1. Olivia (News Anchor, 23)

Olivia had a great line where she said that she left her career to come on this show because she wanted to leave something “good” for a chance at something “great.”  If she didn’t just read that off a teleprompter I think that is very well said, and it got her the first rose.  In addition to being able to read lines well and being well versed in television, since she is a news anchor Olivia is likely either phony or will plausibly be accused of being phony. So in addition to being a contender, she will major source of drama and speculation about right reasons.

Saddle up your mini ponies, it’s going to be a good year.

BOLD PREDICTION:  Huey the mini pony will have more twitter followers than Chris Harrison by the end of the week.

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