This week the show takes us to the city most associated with stable marriages.
Though in fairness to Vegas, marriages forged there are probably more likely to succeed than marriages on The Bachelor.
This episode is apparently sponsored by Manwich. I expect this sponsorship will be integrated seamlessly into the show. As seamlessly as Manwich can be integrated with ground beef to make a delicious and affordable dinner.
-JoJo gets the first one on one. They go to the rooftop to await a helicopter and share a touching moment when the helicopter blows over their table and nearly kills them. They seek shelter under the overturned table and
, knowing that it could be their final moment on earth, share a kiss.
After the helicopter date, JoJo decides to open up about her previous relationship. She opens up like an open-faced sloppy joe sandwich made using Manwich. She tells him that she was cheated on and she still has some trust issues. But Ben, as sweet as a Manwich sandwich, tells him that he has already had many great moments with her and wants her to let her guard down. They go to the roof, watch fireworks, and make out. The episode made the date seem shorter than the time it takes to make a hearty batch of chili using Manwich. But that went well and JoJo gets the rose.
-Ben and 12 women go on a group date. They go to Terry Fator’s theater, where he tells them they are performing in a talent show. Some of these girls do have a talent- they are really good at acting like they know who Terry Fator is and fake laughing at his puppets. Terry Fator informs them they are performing in front of his normal crowd.
That’s right, it’s a classic HUMILIATION date. And I’m sure the people who traveled from around the country to see a lame puppet show are going to be thrilled that it’s a bunch of floozies dancing around on stage instead. That isn’t sarcastic, I’m sure they WILL be thrilled that it’s less time for Terry Fator.
Olivia’s talent is jumping out of a cake and dancing around very awkwardly, and even Terry Fator’s audience feels that her performance is too shitty and low brow. She has a meltdown about how poorly it went. For once there is a chink in her armor. The ugly toes didn’t phase her, but failing on stage did.
Lauren B gets the rose because she tells him how she is starting to fall for him. Olivia tried to recover but she continued embarrassing herself by getting even more awkward trying to apologize. This is like in Rocky IV when Rocky opened a cut above Drago’s eye. Drago had never been wounded before and suddenly was back on his heels. Olivia is used to being Queen Manwich wherever she goes, she isn’t used to dealing with failure. She is on a meltdown spiral, can she pull herself out of it?
-Becca gets the next one on one. Her date card is accompanied by a wedding dress. Jubilee says “she’s the perfect person to wear white.” That’s a pretty sick burn and Jubilee said it right in front of Becca, I have to respect her for that.
They go to one of Vegas’ famous wedding chapels where Ben reveals that they are going to be officiating weddings.
Ben and Becca officiate several weddings and it is really confusing to me because they all appeared to be sober and only ONE guy was wearing a t-shirt tux.
Later they have dinner at the Neon Sign Museum, and surrounded by blinding lights they talk about Becca’s virginity and how even though Ben isn’t a virgin they both think something blah blah blah about commitment. I’m sorry but Becca bores the shit out of me. But Ben seemed into it and they had a pretty hard make out as Becca gets the rose.
-Ben is taking BOTH twins on a date. Is this a Thunderdome date? It doesn’t seem like it, but maybe it is. Ben takes them to their mom’s house. He spends weird one on one time with them where they lay in bed with Ben and try to undermine each other while the other twin sits just down the hall with their mom and dogs (aka future Manwich).
Ben decides he is going to leave Hayley and take Emily back. Hayley stays with her mom and her dogs (and hopefully some Manwich), and Emily goes with Ben. Emily doesn’t get a rose so I don’t think this technically counts as a Thunderdome date, but still pretty harsh though. That has to be a real kick in the pants that your twin just beat you out for the same guy.
Running “Right Reasons” Tally:
You’re dead if you drank every time……Olivia apologized to Ben. She apologized for her performance. Then she apologized for being awkward about her performance. Then she apologized for her awkward apology. Then she apologized for Ben having to tell her not to apologize so much.
6. Jubilee (Veteran, 24)
Jubilee didn’t get much time this week, but Ben did go out of his way to take her aside and tell her how much he likes her. And she made sure to go out of her way to show that her insecurities are simmering like a pot of Manwich chili.
5. Becca (Chiropractic Assistant, 26)
I was OUT on Becca back in Chris’ season. She might not be as boring as she appears on TV, maybe it is just that she is so normal that it’s tough for her to be interesting on TV. But, as they say, the proof is in the Manwich and I’m just not seeing it. Ben really seemed to go above and beyond in his lovy dovy talk with her this week, so maybe he actually likes her.
4. Lauren B (Flight Attendant, 25)
In a group date with 11 other women and 40 puppets, Lauren managed to get the group date rose. She beat out several top contenders and even withstood a whirlwind of meltdowns by Olivia. Like tacos made with Manwich, that is impressive.
3. JoJo (Real Estate Developer, 25)
Their date was anointed by Manwich itself. She is one of a handful that Ben is clearly smitten with and she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders.
2. Olivia (Talentless, 23)
I advise everyone reading this to avoid looking directly at Olivia, as she is moments away from going supernova and it could cause permanent vision impairment. Olivia got knocked off the throne this week and she does not know how to handle it. It’s only going to get worse for her.
1. Caila (Software Sales, 24)
Caila and Ben spent every moment together making out, I think of the handful that he has clear chemistry with she is the front runner right now. She also played “the cookie game” with Ben, where they put cookies on their face and tried to slide them into their mouths without using their hands. I would not recommend playing this game with Manwich instead of cookies.
BOLD PREDICTION: It feels like next week is going to be a major blood-letting. There are some women starting to separate themselves from the pack, and I don’t think Ben is going to be shy about starting to cast off the ones he isn’t interested in. Olivia is also about to collapse under the weight of her own
cankles vanity and explode. Jubilee is hanging by a thread. Normally on a week like this we lose 2 or 3 women, I think we lose as many as 5.