The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Finale

It’s all come down to this.  Mini-ponies, chickens, twins, cankles, PTSD, they’re all gone.  We’re down to two.  JoJo or Lauren? Or neither?  Or both…


Prior to the show Chris Harrison teases that there might be a wedding tonight.  He has brought both sets of parents to the set, along with the ringmaster Neil Lane, and Ben’s hometown pastor. Screwing with my emotions is one thing, but you’d better not be messing with JoJo’s brothers, Harrison.

This week’s “live” finale is brought to us from Jamaica

seven killings

Light beach reading the next time you’re in Jamaica

Ben’s parents are here. Remember it was Ben’s mom that got rid of one of the twins, so he takes her opinion very seriously.

Lauren is first into the gauntlet. Lauren tells his parents that from day one she has felt she could let her guard down and be honest and open with Ben. Ben’s mom tries to dissuade her by saying that he really needs someone with a lot of patience. But she seems to think Lauren is someone who might be able to put up with her son.

JoJo is noticeably more nervous than Lauren, I find that endearing.  Lauren has probably met a lot of parents, but the only parents JoJo meets are the ones that tell her to stop stealing their husbands. She really opens up and tells Ben’s parents how happy he makes her and how she feels safe with him. JoJo seems pretty genuine, and dare I say that Ben’s parents seem more impressed by her?

Ben’s mom says “He doesn’t know who to plant his stake with.” I think he planted his stake in both of them already.

Lauren’s Final Date



Normally the catamaran is a dead giveaway on who the winner is going to be, but it failed last season so I’m unsure if I can trust it.  It’s like Nate Silver talking about Donald Trump.  That’s a good reference, right?

Lauren asks Ben how he’s doing, and he is honest that he’s super conflicted.  He’s worried that things have been “too easy” with Lauren and that it isn’t real because they haven’t had any trouble yet.  That’s true, life isn’t all catamarans.  But maybe he’s talking himself out of a good thing?

JoJo’s Final Date

Ben picks her up in a Jeep.  If JoJo wins, I think Jeeps are the new catamaran.

They go swimming and make out by a romantic waterfall.  Ben is consistent because he tells JoJo he is still unsure and nervous about what is coming next.  Ben tells JoJo that he has told Lauren he loves her too, and JoJo reacts as you would expect


Final Decision

Both JoJo and Lauren get into helicopters….

JoJo is the first to arrive.  Ben tells her that he did find love with her…but he found it with someone else more. JoJo is understandably not happy and not really swayed by Ben’s attempts to make himself feel better. She did get a raw deal, being told that he loved her and then in the last minute being told NOPE.

Lauren arrives and tells Ben “you’re my person.” Ben proposes to her, she says yes. Don’t bet against the catamaran.


Ben says he has no regrets about how he handled things, but that watching the final moment with JoJo did make his stomach turn.  Speaking of JoJo and vomit, here comes JoJo….

…JoJo says it was painful at the time but she harbors no ill will.  It’s so much better when they harbor ill will.  JoJo and Ben seem oddly comfortable sitting on a couch just inches apart from each other in supposedly the first conversation since he rejected her.  Either they have already talked and hashed everything out, they are sleeping together, or they are sociopaths.  Or some combination of the above.

But then Chris Harrison announces that JoJo is the next bachelorette! So that explains how she is so calm sitting next to Ben.  She knows she’s about to have 30 Bens fighting over her.

Lauren comes out and they are still in love blah blah blah.

Chris Harrison brings up how Ben said last week that he was ready to get married and asks if they want to do it right now. Ben chickens out and instead just brings Lauren’s family out and proposes to Lauren again in front of their families. That was kind of sweet I guess? But pretty lame compared to a live wedding. And lame that they made the pastor come all the way from Indiana.

Final Verdict:  Catamaran aside, I am betting against Ben and Lauren having a love that will echo through the ages.  Ben said it himself: they seem like the standard Bachelor/Bachelorette couple that work well when they are catamaraning around, but when they have to spend all day with each other in his one room apartment in Denver they will find out they aren’t so compatible.   I think JoJo will be a solid bachelorette, but I’m continuing my write-in campaign for Ashley I.  And also continuing my write-in campaign to have Caitlin and Sean deported.  You know what, I’m continuing all of my write-in campaigns.

Thanks for reading, see you this summer for JoJo, Bachelor in Paradise, and the Manwich World Tour.

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