The Bachelorette: Preseason Superlatives

It’s become a summer tradition on par with pretending you enjoy playing cornhole…


The Bachelorette is back!

Last season we had two bachelorettes to start the season, this season we just have one


She’s on the right

JoJo was a finalist on last season of The Bachelor, and the bachelor himself even told her that he was falling in love with her, but she was rejected in the finale.  Here’s what we know about JoJo:  she is from Texas, she works in real estate but also talked about working at a bar, her brothers are creepily protective of her, and she has at least one crazy ex.  She seemed like an actual human being rather than someone trying to get famous, she showed a lot of personality, and she looked great in dresses that showed off cleavage.  All of that means I think she’s going to be a great bachelorette.

ABC posted info on the guys who will be competing to win JoJo’s heart.  Normally I do preseason rankings, but with it being yearbook season I instead decided to do superlatives.  That way I can take unwarranted potshots at more than just a handful of the guys.

Most Self-Absorbed


Chad (Luxury Real Estate Agent, 28)

In a room full of guys who are full of themselves enough to go on TV looking for love, it takes an impressive effort to be the most self-absorbed.  What did Chad do to earn this honor?  His answer to the following questions…

  • Who do you admire most?
  • If you could be someone else just for one day, who would it be and why?
  • If you could have lunch with just one person, who would it be and why?

…was the same: “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.”

This is a mind that is startlingly uncreative.  He said that “being born good looking” is his best accomplishment to date, and many people probably take that as arrogance, but I think he’s right.  If he was not born with good bone structure, he would be forced to rely on the wit that just brought us “myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” to  find work and feed himself.  Can you imagine?

Most Obvious Telegraphing of an ABC Promotional Tie-in:

Multiple guys mentioned that they want to meet Mark Cuban.  Mark Cuban has a show on ABC, Shark Tank.  Gee, I wonder if there is going to be an episode where the guys have to go on Shark Tank?  Curiously, none of the guys mentioned Manwich.

Dumbest Looking Face:


Coley (Real Estate Consultant, 27)

There were a few other contenders, but poorly-rendered video game character Coley takes the cake.  I keep expecting to hear a joker laugh or some other snapchat filter effect happen when I look at his picture.  I keep having flashbacks to the warning “stop making that face or it’ll get stuck that way.”  I wonder if ABC outsourced their photography to an Ocean City boardwalk caricature artist.  Thanks, Coley, you’ve been a great sport, everyone remember to tip your server.

Worst Career:


Brandon (28, HIPSTER)

Yes, his occupation is listed as “hipster.”  I hate this.  Not because I hate hipsters, but because I hate that the show is getting so meta that they let him list his occupation as “hipster”  It used to be that a hipster showing up on this show would have his job listed as hipster jobs (barista, artisanal dog walker, etc.) and you would make fun of them for being a hipster.  But now they just beat you right over the head with the joke and list his job as hipster.  If the word “hipster” wasn’t dead already, it’s definitely dead the moment that Chris Harrison knows what it is.  This guy’s description doesn’t even match up with his self-described hipsterdom.  His favorite movies are all mainstream hits, he references “The Notebook,” and he doesn’t have any tattoos (ironic or otherwise).  I hope this fake hipster gets eliminated and sent back to Williamsburg  before he even gets to say hello to JoJo.

Grossest Answer:


Daniel (31, Male Model)

When asked what his best attributes are, Daniel said “experienced.”  Gross, Daniel.

Josh Murray Memorial Award for Overstating Athletic Career


Jordan (Former Pro Quarterback, 27)

Jordan is the brother of Aaron Rodgers, Super Bowl winning quarterback and discount double checker.  Unlike his brother, Jordan has not won a Super Bowl. Unlike his brother, Jordan was never drafted by an NFL team.  Unlike his brother, Jordan has never played a down in the NFL.  Not only has he never played, but Jordan has never been on the active roster of an NFL team.

Don’t get me wrong, having a distinguished college football career and even being invited to be on an NFL training camp or practice squad (the height of Jordan’s career) is an athletic accomplishment that only like 1% of people on earth can top.  But please do the right thing and put “pro quarterback” in sarcastic quotes to separate yourself from actual pro quarterbacks.  Every summer I work out for a few weeks too, but you don’t see me listing my career as “professional gym goer.”

Most Likely to be a Serial Killer:

James S

James S (Bachelor Superfan, 27)

He already kinda has a look like he is wearing someone else’s skin as a mask, but then I noticed “Bachelor Superfan” as his career.  Stay far, far away from anyone who says they are a superfan of The Bachelor.

The new season debuts on May 23rd.  James will be watching, and you should too.

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