The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week One

the-bachelorette

“BRING ON THE MEN”- JoJo

If you’ve never watched before, The Bachelorette is a lot like The Bachelor except there is a lot more mansplaining and Chris Harrison dials up the smugness a few more notches.  JoJo is our bachelorette this season and I think she’s a great choice.  She’s been through the reality TV wringer already, but she still seems pretty grounded and down to earth.  Let’s see how she does..

JoJo2

She’s off to a good start in my book

20 guys show up in limos and try to make a good first impression.  Maybe it’s me, but I thought this year’s limo introductions were in general lamer than in years past.  Most of the guys just nervously stuttered their names.  A few guys came up with gimmicks and most of them were very lame or creepy rather than fun or creative.  Examples include:

-Sal hands JoJo two blue stress balls and tells her “feel free to squeeze my balls if you get nervous” and makes a blue balls joke.  Sal fails my general rule of thumb- if you’re going to be creepy at least be funny.

-Will has one of those elementary school “fortune teller” folded paper things and it is rigged so that JoJo has to give him a kiss.  Because he forced it he ends up getting the most friend zone kiss possible.

-“Saint” Nick arrives in a Santa costume.  There’s nothing more attractive to women than wearing a costume that requires covering your face and turning a childhood character into a sexualized weirdo.

-Wells brings All-4-One, who sing “I swear” a capella to JoJo.  12 year old me was going crazy cheering for that moment, but adult me felt a little bad for All-4-One that it’s come to this for them.

Cocktail Party

Several of the guys start getting hammered.  It is inevitable.  These limo introductions have to take hours.  Imagine being one of the early guys sitting there, nervous, for several hours while guy after guy walks in and there are ABC employees handing you free booze. And how else are you supposed to tolerate Chris Harrison’s presence? It’d actually be more impressive to manage to remain sober.  But as is tradition, a handful of the guys get drunker than the rest and start going to JoJo with slurred pick-up lines, and Daniel the male model strips to his underwear and jumps in the pool.  JoJo wasn’t watching when he did it, he did it just because he was drunk and Canadian.

JoJo notes that in addition to being drunk, most of the guys seem too nervous.  She has been in their shoes before so she understands to an extent, but the guys that are able to shed the nervousness really start to make an impression.  One such guy is Jordan, brother to Aaron Rodgers, who confidently pulls JoJo aside and gets the first makeout of the season.  His experience as a former athlete is invaluable here, as throughout his career he witnessed other quarterbacks playing in NFL games and going through pressure situations while he watched from the sidelines.  He truly followed their example tonight in not letting the pressure get to him.  Jordan gets the first impression rose.

Rose Ceremony

As the rose ceremony is beginning, Jake Pavelka arrives and pulls JoJo aside.  Who is Jake Pavelka?  He was the Bachelor several years ago and like 99% of Bachelors he is no longer with the lady he picked.  He has to be pretty old at this point because he even pre-dates the existence of this blog.  So it would be kind of creepy for him to be here to compete for the affections of JoJo.  It turns out he is just here to give her some advice.  WTF?  Did he just happen to be in the neighborhood and decided to swing by?  Try a text next time, grandpa.

A bunch of guys go home.  A bunch of the really questionable drunk guys get roses as JoJo obviously let the producers do the heavy lifting.

Running “right reasons” tally: 2.  We’re already beating last season’s total!

You’re dead if you drank every time… JoJo said “you look good.”  She must have vowed ahead of time that she was going to say that to every guy because she said that to every guy.

POWER RANKINGS

daniel-the-bachelorette

6. Daniel (Male Model, 31)

Daniel got embarrassingly drunk and his striptease gambit failed when JoJo yelled “put your clothes on.”  Worst of all, his opening line was to say “Dammmmn JoJo.”  Which then required him to explain the “Damn Daniel” meme to JoJo.  If you’re using the word “meme” on a first date, you’re losing.  Save explaining internet fads for the fourth date or later.  Daniel is as dumb as he looks and can’t hold his liquor so hopefully he’ll be back at it again with the fireball and whiskey shots and will provide more entertainment.

Robby

5.  Robby (Former Competitive Swimmer, 27)

“Former competitive swimmer” is so many steps removed from a paying job.  His lack of a career aside, Robby had my favorite limo introduction.  He brought JoJo a bottle of wine and then referenced how her mom was seen in the background of last season’s hometown date chugging a bottle of wine straight from the bottle.  Great for two reasons 1) BYOB, 2) Making fun of her mom right off the bat.  This guy could be going places.

Evan

4. Evan (Erectile Dysfunction Expert, 33)

Just look at this guy.  He really pounded away with boner puns, it was difficult to keep up.  If he didn’t completely shoot his wad I hope he gets kept around for his arsenal of puns alone.

chad

3.  Chad (Luxury Real Estate Agent, 28)

Chad is making an obvious play to be the arrogant bro villain of the season, and I for one welcome that.  It’s no fun when everyone is respectful and nice.  There are no heroes without villains.  JoJo said that he has a rough exterior but noted his “vulnerability” during their conversations.  Since most of his talk to the camera was about how he is tougher than all the guys something tells me he’d punch her in the face if he heard her describe him as vulnerable.  So stay tuned!

luke

2. Luke (Veteran, 31)

Luke is from Texas, tugged at the heart strings with his story about losing friends in Afghanistan, and arrived on a unicorn.  He and JoJo really hit it off and he was close to getting the first impression rose.  Plus there’s a general rule on this show that if the guy’s life sounds like a country song, they are going to do well.

Jordan

1.  Jordan (Failed quarterback, 27)

Jordan told JoJo that he “retired” from the NFL so he could focus on building a life.  Hm.  Sounds like my decision to “retire” from the book club I never went to.  Embellishments aside, Jordan seemed like a nice guy and there was obvious intense chemistry right off the bat ( referencing another sport Jordan never played at the highest level).  There is something about him that seems a little phony, but maybe that’s just my bias against the west coast offense shining through.  I’ll try to remain impartial unless and until a read-option QB joins the cast.

BOLD PREDICTION:  Santa, unsure of his likelihood of getting a rose, will stuff the stockings of Daniel and Vinny with dangerous amounts of grain alcohol.

 

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