First week of real dates and real feelings?
We start off at the Bachelor mansion.
There are way too many guys here. Things I said about the bar on saturday night and about this episode.
First Group Date
We start off with 10 guys getting the notice that they are going on a group date. They go outside and the date starts with tragedy as JoJo’s limo explodes into flames. Before the show can fully transition to American Crime Story, a firetruck pulls up and JoJo jumps out and reveals that it is a firefighting date.
They go to a firefighter training school. The guys have to suit up in firemen gear and compete in a relay race of busting open doors, using axes, spraying protesters with the hose, and rescuing kittens.
Wells the DJ says he isn’t in great shape and nearly passes out while running around in all the gear. Grant the firefighter, in a shocking upset, wins the firefighting contest and gets extra time with JoJo.
During the cocktail part of the date Grant and Luke both had pretty intense makeout sessions with JoJo, but Wells gets the rose. His participation trophy strategy of trying really hard but failing actually worked!
First Solo Date
Derek gets the first one on one date of the season. Their date is about choices. Sky or sea, North or South, WALKING AROUND or not?
Their choose your own adventure date lands them in San Francisco. Derek has trouble talking about his past relationship and says he has a hard time opening up since that break up. JoJo encourages him to put himself out there. He says that he was ready for marriage in his last relationship but his ex had another person in her life and it fell apart. JoJo knows what that is like, since Ben was cheating on her with several women. Derek gets the rose. That was boring.
Second Group Date
While the early dates were occurring, some tension begins to build between Chad and several guys in the house. The guys are writing a goofy song for JoJo, and Chad (correctly) thinks this is a little goofy/thirsty. But Chad fills a suitcase with protein, ties it to a weight belt, and then does pull ups. So I don’t know if he’s one to throw stones about goofy behavior.
In any event, Chad and 5 of the thirstiest guys join JoJo for a group date.
They are going to ESPN and join Sportsnation. Most of these guys don’t seem too bright so they should raise the level of discourse on Sportsnation in a big way.
The Sportsnation hosts are going to power rank the guys. Not the first time ESPN has stolen my content and it won’t be the last. Jordan is right in his element standing there in street clothes while other guys perform on football turf. They have to go through non-sports related contests like doing a dizzy bat proposal and being yelled at by Skip Bayless.
Chad makes the other guys really uncomfortable because he says things like “I don’t know what I love about JoJo yet since I just met her, you guys fall in love with JoJo just because she’s pretty, so will you fall in love with the next pretty girl you see?” Actually a pretty solid point, but he undermined it by saying that JoJo was “nagging.”
James Taylor gets the rose because he wrote JoJo a love note, but Chad’s mind games are starting to leave James like sweet dreams and flying machines- in pieces on the ground.
Chad gets one on one time with JoJo by waiting outside for her prior to the cocktail party.
That’s a boss move and it sends other the other guys into a panic spiral. Some of the guys feel like they have to play rules police and pull Chad aside to say they aren’t happy about that. The guys seem really butthurt and Chad masterfully trolls them by just talking about food.
Later in the cocktail party, a bunch of guys confront him again about..
..nothing? They just stand around him and ask him why he’s laughing, and he walks away. Chad is playing the game by a different set of rules and the other guys don’t know how to handle it. He isn’t following conventional wisdom, he says what is on his mind and isn’t trying to be politically correct, and he’s not afraid to call the other guys out on their BS. He is a contestant trying to make this show great again.
He goes for the fatality troll by getting even more one on one time with JoJo and it works by sending Little Alex into a rage. Little Alex confronts Chad, who tells him “Fuck you, seriously.” Chad wins again.
Running “right reasons” tally: 4
You’re dead if you drank every time……Chad ate something. Whether it be shakes, wings, deli meat, Chad was serious about making sure he got his protein.
6. Daniel (Male Model, 31)
Daniel is hitching his wagon to Chad’s star and it might help him overcome his lack of a personality.
5. Derek (Commercial banker, 29)
I didn’t see a ton of chemistry on their date but she must see something to separate him from the pack.
4. James Taylor (Singer-Songwriter, 29)
His singing and song-writing have been very unimpressive so far, but he won the power rankings on the group date and wrote her a love note that brought JoJo for tears. He needs to make some more moves or he’s going to end up in the “you’ve got a friend” zone.
3. Luke (Veteran, 31)
Luke is definitely one of the guys she has the most chemistry with. They had an intense makeout session even after he failed at being a firefighter.
2. Jordan (Failed Quarterback, 27)
Jordan got to go on an ESPN-themed date that even involved football turf and he looked low energy and still couldn’t win. Sad!
1. Chad (Luxury Real Estate Agent, 28)
Chad raised his game to a new level this week. He called out the other guys for being corny and trolled a few into acting irrationally. It’s difficult to tell if JoJo thinks much of him. I just hope he brought enough protein to sustain this campaign.
BOLD PREDICTION: Chad’s trolling of Little Alex, Crooked Jordan, and Lyin’ Evan will drive Chris Harrison to try a last minute change of the rose ceremony rules.