The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week Three (Parts 1 &2)

I loaded up on protein so I’m finally ready to tackle this double episode week.

manwich

Good source of protein and an even better sponsor

-Chase gets the first one-on-one, and they are going to a yoga studio.  One of those yoga studios where it is 110 degrees.  The yoga coach has them grunting and yelling and feeling each other up.  They start making out in the middle of it, which I don’t know if that is an official part of yoga but it certainly should be.

Later they go to a vineyard.  One of those vineyards where it is 110 degrees?  They have a serious conversation about marriage and then get a PRIVATE CONCERT and Chase gets the rose.

I think that went really well.  JoJo seemed to really like Chase’s willingness to joke around, have fun, and make out during yoga.

-Next is a group date with 12 guys.  Prior to the date Jordan and Chad get into a bit of a spat where Chad says “You’re a 27 year old failed football player, you’ve done nothing but throw leather.”

Actually, Chad, as far as the NFL is concerned Jordan has never thrown anything.  I don’t know if I’ve pointed this out before or not but Jordan has never played in an NFL game.

JoJo has brought the guys to a show called “Sex Talks.”   A few of the guys laugh, a few look horrified, and a few start taking notes.  Several of the guys figure out immediately that they will be on stage soon talking about their sex lives.  A few laugh, a few look horrified, a few start praying that their parents won’t watch this episode.  Evan decides to do an impromptu roast of Chad and says that steroid usage leads to erectile dysfunction.  When the other guys realize what is happening, they can hardly contain their excitement:

Chad is a little less thrilled when he catches on that the act is about him:

crying jordan chad

Chad is furious and grabs Evan by the collar, probably to let him know how much he enjoyed the performance, and accidentally rips Evan’s shirt.  Chad goes down and grabs the mic and demands that JoJo join him on stage and tries to kiss her.  She gives him the cheek turn, which gets a standing ovation from Little Alex.

Backstage, Chad shoves Evan and says “you’re going to die if you don’t chill out.”  “If I can’t lift weights I’m going to murder somebody,” he continues.

Evan had the high ground in the situation, physical violence is never a good look unless it’s against Chris Harrison.  But then he goes back in for additional trolling.  That’s too much.  You poked the bear, don’t poke it again.  Evan flying too close to the sun on wings of Viagra.

JoJo decides to talk to Chad.

JoJo:  I’m confused because I see a sweet and nice guy in there [you can see Chad getting pissed], but you seem so angry around the other guys [Chad nods in approval].

Evan gets one on one time and lays down the gauntlet- if Chad stays, he thinks he wants to go home. That seems like a misplaced roll of the dice. Evan has not solidified much with JoJo, can he be sure that he will win this battle? HE GETS THE ROSE. WOW. This is a victory for the bullied everywhere.

Chad asks JoJo: “Is this real?? You’re actually right now vibing this dude?”  A fair question that doesn’t ever get a good answer.

-James Taylor gets the next one on one.

They dress up in old school clothes. Not old school like James Taylor music, but even older school. They are getting swing dancing lessons. James has less rhythm than Left Shark, but JoJo likes that he at least has a positive attitude and good humor about it.

JoJo says she had a great time, but she she wonders if there is actual chemistry there. James Taylor tells her he was always made fun of growing up [possibly because his name is James Taylor] and even though he grew out of that he still sometimes feels like he isn’t good enough for the women he meets. JoJo says “awww” and gives him the rose. I don’t know if that was really a pity rose but it sure felt like it.

-Daniel compares Chad to Hitler, Mussolini, George W Bush, and Trump.  Daniel has been overshadowed by Chad, but this is a guy we need to hear more from.

-As the episode ends, Evan approaches Chris Harrison and tells him he’s afraid of Chad.  Evan says he wants Chris Harrison to “step in.”  Chris Harrison is wearing a bright pink shirt, mind you.

Day 2

Chad says he’ll stay away from Evan if Evan stops bullying him.

JoJo and Jordan spend a lot of time cuddling and making out.

JoJo to Jordan:  I’m worried you aren’t into me.

Don’t worry JoJo, you’re not an NFL game, Jordan is into you.

Chad overhears Derek complaining about him- Chad pulls him aside and says “hey man, whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend in the past- it wasn’t me.” Savage.

At the rose ceremony, Chad gets a rose but so do all the cucks like Derek and little Alex.

It’s time for the show to hit the road, and it’s going to the most romantic city on the planet..

pittsburgh

PITTSBURGH

[They first head to Nemacolin Woodlands resort, technically not in Pittsburgh but close enough]

-Luke gets the first one on one and they go to a hot tub out in the woods.  JoJo calls Luke “rugged” and “beautiful” about 10,000 times.

At dinner later Luke talks about how he played football at Army and then went to Afghanistan, lead a platoon, and had a good friend get killed in action.  He says that it made him appreciate life and especially the small moments…like the moment he is sharing with JoJo right now.  Luke you charmer.  Luke gets the rose.  They go to a concert [public, not private] by Dan + Shay.  Luke is a contender for sure.

-The group date takes place at Heinz Field, where they are greeted by Ben Roethlisberger.  Great for JoJo that she gets to meet an NFL quarterback this season. They are joined by Hines Ward and Brett Keisel.  Just need Bane and this is basically The Dark Knight Rises.

They are divided up into teams and have to compete for extra time.  Jordan is used to playing in no pads and shorts in a game so he does well.

ben

This is as close as Ben was allowed to get to JoJo

James Taylor takes a nasty shot to the head and keeps playing (this event is sponsored by the NFL, after all).  The losing team is sent home and the winning team gets a cocktail party.   Jordan tells her that he’s falling for her and gets the rose.

-Finally, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Little Alex vs. Chad, 2 on 1 date. THUNDERDOME

thunderdome

Oftentimes before these two men enter, 1 man leaves dates, the two men will say something classy like “may the best man win.”  Not Chad and Little Alex.

Chad tells Alex that he’s a “whiny little bitch.” Alex says “You’ve shown the entire world what a piece of shit you are.”

Chad threatens several guys with physical violence, including telling Jordan that he will find him after the show ends. I know one place you can rule out in your search- NFL stadiums.

JoJo takes the guys out into the woods in a classic horror movie set up. Alex snitches about how angry and threatening Chad has been in the house. JoJo is really upset to learn that Chad threatened Jordan.  JoJo asks Chad about it and he says that the guys were pushing him, but JoJo says that doesn’t really excuse threats of violence in her mind.  Chad confronts Alex, points out to him that milk is delicious.  Little Alex gets the rose, Chad goes home.

I think Chad got a bad rap, but Evan is probably right about the roid rage.  If he was like 10% less physically violent he would probably still be around.  I’m still surprised she kept Little Alex though.  What is his personality other than hating Chad?

The show ends on a cliffhanger as Chad magically appears at the house where the guys are staying and knocks on the door.  Chad, Bachelor in Paradise is where you need to go.  Not this house.

Running “right reasons” tally:  5

You’re dead if you drank every time…you get in Chad’s way.

POWER RANKINGS

james taylor

6. James Taylor (Singer-Songwriter, 29)

He seems like a nice enough guy, but nobody likes someone who complains about being bullied all the time.  Believe me.

Evan

5. Evan (Bully, 33)

Evan has probably earned himself a one on one.  He bullied Chad into losing his cool and has been a trooper on the group dates.  He’s less whiny than Derek and Little Alex.  Give him a shot, JoJo.

daniel-the-bachelorette

4. Daniel (Political Analyst, 31)

It’s up to you now, Daniel.  Chad is gone, we need you to take on the mantle of entertaining meathead.  I think he has what it takes.  Overshadowed in all of Chad’s drama was Daniel discussing the history of fascism.  And overlooked in Evan’s roast of Chad was Daniel’s story of tying a girl down and cutting her hair.  This is a hidden gem that is ready to shine.

CHASE

3. Chase (Medical Sales Rep, 27)

I think Chase made a big move as a dark horse this week.  He invented a new way to yoga: with an attractive woman in your lap. And got a private concert date! Keep your eye on this.

luke

2. Luke (Veteran, 31)

She’s obviously had her eye on Luke from the get go and he didn’t disappoint when he got a one on one.  Right now their affection for each other is hotter than the boiling water Luke dropped JoJo in.

Jordan

1.  Jordan (Failed Quarterback, 27)

For no apparent reason the show had Jordan tell JoJo that he was falling for her in front of a well-lit fountain outside when their conversation had begun indoors.  She’s definitely smitten and isn’t deterred by what a phony he is.  He’s a lock for the final two.

BOLD PREDICTION:  Chad was a destructive force that most of the guys in the house could ally against.  Like Hitler or Mussolini.  But now that he’s gone, I don’t think it’s going to be all sunrise and roses.  I think the guys will realize that they hate each other just as much as they hated Chad and there’s still going to be plenty of drama, fighting, and aggressive exercising.

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