Resuming where we left off, after Little Alex deprived us of Chad for the rest of the season. We are in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania.
As we pick up where we left off last week, the guys are throwing a mock funeral for Chad by dispersing his protein like ashes from an urn. Hey, hate the man but leave his protein powder alone. Chad arrives at the house in the midst of the party, probably to pick up his protein. The guys are scared shitless.
Jordan offers an apology to Chad, but Chad is not having it. Evan hides behind Jordan and asks Chad for the 10th time to buy him a new shirt. Chad leaves without his protein.
When Little Alex returns to the house they light fireworks and give him a cake. Chad was right about these guys, every last one of them.
So without Chad, they’re all going to be friends, right? WRONG. The guys immediately start rubbing each other the wrong way by hogging JoJo. Little Alex has SO much swagger now that Chad is gone. Even with Chad out of the house, Evan still gets bullied as several of the guys cut in front of him to take turns with JoJo.
At the rose ceremony, James F (as in “who the F is this guy”) and Daniel are sent home.
Daniel: She’s going for personality, obviously my personality is shit. If it was based on body, I’d still be here.
And that is why Bachelor in Paradise will welcome you, Daniel.
JoJo and the guys hit the road and head to Punta del Este, Uruguay.
“Punta del Este” means “Eastern point.” Let’s hope it lives up to its name.
-Jordan gets the first one on one.
The other guys seem like they are starting to hate on Jordan because he’s the front runner. The guys don’t trust that he’s here for the RIGHT REASONS. I don’t know about Jordan’s intentions, but I do know that I find myself increasingly hating his hair and the fact that people keep calling him a “former NFL quarterback.” (Because he’s never played a down in the NFL.)
They take a yacht to go swimming with seals. Seals are vicious marauding predators, so this is a very romantic date. JoJo met a girl that used to date Jordan and heard bad things. So this means JoJo knew that Jordan was going to be on this season before the show started and was doing research? Or did she run into some girl at Heinz Field who knew Jordan from the days where he wasn’t playing on NFL practice squads?
JoJo brings it up and he suddenly seems very out of sorts. He says that the problem was “sports.” He denies that he ever cheated, but says he did do inappropriate things like claim to be an NFL QB. But he feels like he has grown up and he is ready to commit to JoJo. That all seemed very flimsy to me, especially the parts where he talked about having a football career, but JoJo melted right into his hands and he gets the rose. JoJo says that not all dates are yachts and seals, sometimes there are tough times. Yeah, JoJo, you confronting him for 30 seconds and then falling all over him is really some adversity and shows that you’ll do well in the real world together.
-Back at the house, Vinny is giving the guys haircuts (?) and gives them a bunch of gossip magazines that he brought (????). One of the magazines has a tell-all from Chad. Not that Chad, but JoJo’s ex-boyfriend Chad. The one who tried showing up last season. He says that JoJo was still dating him while she was on the show with Ben and just went on TV to become famous. The guys take this VERY seriously. They clearly aren’t very familiar with gossip magazines. There’s a reason they are next to the tabloids in the grocery store, guys.
The producers show the magazine to JoJo, which was obviously the goal all along. She cries and sobs and tells the guys that she is hear for the right reasons (!). All of the guys who were upset like Vinny and Little Alex suddenly act like it’s not a problem for them. Without Chad around the producers were reallllly desperate to manufacture some drama.
-Next is a group date for JoJo and 9 guys. They go sand surfing. Evan gets a face full of sand, which reminds him of getting bullied at the beach growing up.
A parade of guys all tell JoJo about how they don’t care about the gossip rag story that they all clearly cared about. Derek gets the group date rose because he wants reassurance. Little Alex isn’t happy and makes fun of Derek for craving reassurance. This is a really fucking stupid fight, guys. Somehow you’re both wrong.
-Robby gets the next one on one. JoJo is playing with a stray dog when Robby shows up. I really hope this is the date. A date centered around playing with dogs could give me a real lift now that Chad is gone.
Actually, it’s a WALKING AROUND DATE. Finally! Tired of all this seal and yacht bullshit, it’s time to walk around.
Robby has flown under the radar but she seems like she’s excited to finally get some one on one time with him. JoJo calls Robby an “Olympic swimmer.” Ugh, am I going to have to start fact checking swimming now? Olympic sports are out of my lane, I’m more familiar with making fun of the accomplishments of people who are incredibly successful at football and baseball.
They go cliff diving and it immediately becomes a trust fall/metaphor for a relationship type moment for them.
At dinner later, Robby tells her that he lost his best friend in a car accident prior to coming on the show. It taught him that he needs to live life to the fullest and not hide anything. He relates it to the cliff diving with a weird gravity analogy but says that he is falling in love with her. Robby gets the rose. That went well, definitely not a pity rose. The walking around date comes through again.
-At the cocktail party, Derek pulls aside several of the guys and says he’s tired of them acting like a high school/”mean girls” clique. What the shit is this? For once I have to side with Little Alex when he says “this is some bullshit.” Little Alex had been getting a little too big for his little britches, but Derek turned out to be even more insecure. These guys are going off the rails without Chad.
Rose Ceremony: Vinny, Grant, and Evan go home. Evan doesn’t serve a purpose now that Chad can’t bully him.
You’re dead if you drank every time……the producers were losing their minds about what to do without Chad. I admit this is somewhat nebulous, but that whole gossip magazine incident just seemed sooo manufactured. The producers were nervous that people might lose interest with Chad gone. If they’re this desperate this week, imagine what might happen next. More ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends? Starting sex tape rumors? Bringing in Juan Pablo?
Running “right reasons” tally: 7. They aren’t letting us down this year. Even JoJo got into the mix.
6. Derek (Reassured, 29)
I didn’t think it was possible for a guy to seem less secure than Evan, but Derek pulled it off. Not necessarily for telling JoJo that he needs to be reassured (though that is bad), but for gathering a bunch of guys and whining to them that he feels like they are making fun of him. Thunderdome this guy next week, JoJo.
5. Little Alex (Marine, 25)
Little Alex is on top of the world after dispatching Chad. He seemed a little cocky, but when weak ass Derek is coming at him, how can you blame him?
4. Chase (Medical Sales Rep, 27)
Didn’t get much screen time this week but I think he’s still in the top tier.
3. Robby (Former swimmer or something, 27)
He doesn’t have a job, but he and JoJo seem like they have a lot of chemistry.
2. Luke (Veteran, 31)
Luke also didn’t get too much time this week but I think JoJo is comfortable having him sit on the sidelines for a week or two while she thins the herd.
1. Jordan (Failed Quarterback, 27)
Jordan pretty much has this locked up. JoJo was researching him before the show even started. Hopefully the producers keep coming up with fake drama to make the next several weeks interesting because I don’t think any of the other guys can get her away from this turd.
BOLD PREDICTION: Chad (from this season) and Chad (JoJo’s ex) will get their own spin-off show.