The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week Five

This week brings us to Buenos Aires.

buenos aires

I’m glad this show got its travel budget back and we’re going to cities like Buenos Aires instead of the tour of only counties that support Donald Trump that ABC gave us in Chris Soules’ season.

-Wells gets the first one on one date. This is not only the first one on one of the week, but this is also Wells first ever one on one date.  Not just on the show, but also ever.

Wells is the only guy remaining who has not kissed JoJo. Luckily she is taking him on a WALKING AROUND date. If you can’t kiss her on a walking around date in Argentina, you’re more of a failure than the Kirchner government.  That’s a good reference, right?

As they walk around and as they attend a modern performance art show, JoJo is practically begging Wells to kiss her and he doesn’t. They get in swimsuits and and have to swim around in a suspended wave pool. Wells, if you can’t kiss her when you’re 50 feet off the ground getting bombarded by waves while an Argentinian artist shouts at you…ok, he kissed her.

At dinner, Wells admits that he came into this process pretty skeptical but his skepticism has melted away and he finds himself drawn to JoJo and believing that it could work. JoJo asks Wells about his past relationships and he says he recently dated someone for several years before actually kissing her deciding that there was no romance and they were actually just good friends.

JoJo says- good news buddy, because it’s happening again but it didn’t take several years. We have no romance between us, so I’m not giving you the rose. Wells is gone.

kick out

-Next is a group date with JoJo and 5 guys burgers.


The guys join a street soccer game and do penalty kicks for a kiss.  Most of them perform like Argentina in the Copa America final, but James Taylor actually scores on the goalie.  This has to be one of the lowest moments in Argentinian sports history.

James decides in his one on one time to go after Jordan. James is pissed because they had an argument while playing cards. I hate Jordan as much as the next guy, but this seems pretty weak. James is just complaining that he doesn’t get along with Jordan, he’s not complaining that Jordan did something wrong or isn’t here for the right reasons. That’s the kind of petty bullshit that Derek would pull.

Luke and JoJo passionately make out and JoJo says it is crazy passionate between them. Luke gets the group date rose.  That’s the key to getting a rose.  Not talking about playing cards.

– For an unprecedented second time this season….


Two men enter, one leaves.  THUNDERDOME.  Chase vs. Derek.  Chase has had a great connection with JoJo all along.  Derek has been whining about how the other guys are mean all along.  This should be a bigger mismatch than when the US has to play Argentina in soccer (or futbol, as they call it).

Derek tells JoJo he is falling for her, Chase gets the rose.  He and JoJo go to a private concert and Derek gets the sad car ride home.  Look forward to hearing his whiny voice on The Men Tell All.

Rose Ceremony:  JoJo is down to James Taylor and Little Alex and decides that she can’t give out the final rose, and instead gives them both roses.  Weak.  What’s the old expression- if you have two quarterbacks, then you have none?  [Jordan, is that right?] If you can’t decide between these two duds, send them both home.

You’re dead if you drank every time……James Taylor negged himself.  The entire group date he kept talking about how great everyone else is compared to him.  He wouldn’t shut up about how good looking they are, how cool, how “perfect.”  And yet Little Alex was on that very same date.

Running “right reasons” tally:  8


6 (tie). James and Little Alex

They very clearly both got pity roses because JoJo was not feeling up to sending them both home.  James is a loser and Little Alex makes Lionel Messi look like Manute Bol.


4. Robby (Former swimmer, 27)


3. Chase (Medical Sales Rep, 27)

Chase is a definite step above Robby and co., but a definite step below the top 2.  She is carrying a torch for him a little bit because he was so easily able to dispatch Derek.  But the competition just got a lot tougher.


2. Luke (Veteran, 31)

Luke seems like he rarely speaks more than a few words at a time, but he and JoJo have a passion hotter than the Gran Chaco [thank you, Carmen Sandiego].  He’s the only one who still has a chance.


1.  Jordan (Poker Expert, 27)

Any time JoJo hears bad things about Jordan she acts super upset.  But in a way that says “I already know you are going to win, stop trying to screw this up.”  All Jordan has to do is offer a half-hearted explanation and she melts into his arms faster than…Patagonian ice in summer?  In any event, Jordan is still the front runner by a big margin.

BOLD PREDICTION:  James went after Jordan.  But because he is a self-admitted loser, he brought an attack weaker than…Argentina against the Falklands?  God I need them to move to a new country next week.  Anyway, I think next week the other non-loser guys are going to realize Jordan is racing out to an insurmountable lead and they need to bring him down or JoJo might call this a wrap before the fantasy suites.


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