The Bachelorette Recap and Power Rankings: Week Seven

Hometown week.  Who has nice parents?  Who has mean parents?  Who has an ugly house?  Who has weird pets?

ferret

Now, be nice to JoJo, Garrett the Ferret

Chase

Chase is from Highlands Ranch, Colorado

highlands ranch

Interesting Fact: Although it was a ranching town when it was first founded, it was bought by a real estate company in the 1970s and turned into a planned community suburb of rapidly-growing Denver.  So it’s a phony place that paved over authenticity, something this show knows well.

JoJo wants to see Chase “open up” and “put it all out there” in his hometown. Chase lets her know that his parents are divorced, that it was a very messy divorce, and he thinks that has caused him to be hesitant about relationships until now.

They meet his dad first who tells him that he wants him to learn from the mistakes he made. [Don’t marry your mom, Chase.]

Then they go to meet the rest of the family. I notice immediately that every member of the family, even the infant, have drinks in hand when JoJo arrives. A family that turns a stressful event into a party is what all of us should be looking for. His family remarks on how Chase is not an emotional guy, but they see emotion coming to the surface around JoJo. It could be because he’s in love, or it could be because they got some legal dro. Chase tells her he’s falling in love with her, and she looks very cold but very happy to hear it.

Jordan

Next is Jordan’s hometown of Green Bay, Wisconsin Chico, California.

chico

Interesting Fact: Chico is home to Bidwell Park, one of the largest city parks in the entire United States.  Unfortunately, there is a bigger city park in the neighboring city and Bidwell Park is really self-conscious and bitter about that park’s success and doesn’t like to talk about that park.

They go to Jordan’s high school and meet his football coach. This was clearly where Jordan peaked. Though JoJo notices that there are more pictures of Aaron Rodgers around the high school and that it bugs Jordan. Aaron Rodgers set numerous records as a high school quarterback. Records that Jordan could not break.  JoJo brings up Aaron again because she just cannot stop asking why she doesn’t get to meet Aaron Rodgers.

JoJo gets one on one time with Jordan’s other brother and she again brings up Aaron Rodgers. His brother tries to change the subject to talk about Jordan, but she ties it back to Aaron. She brings it up with Jordan’s dad too. This is getting downright uncomfortable. His family all remarks on how happy Jordan looks, but he probably won’t be that happy if JoJo keeps bringing up his estranged successful brother.

JoJo says she is still afraid that Jordan is going to be a playboy and leave her even though she loves him back. Further confirmation that Jordan is probably already the winner of this season. Why are we even bothering to go to stupid Robbie’s fucking house?

Robbie

For stupid Robbie’s fucking house the show takes us to St. Augustine, Florida.

saint-augustine

Interesting Fact:  Interesting fact:  St. Augustine is the oldest continuously occupied European-established settlement in the United States, having been founded in 1565.  Bonus interesting fact: Robbie is not going to win this season.

They get in a carriage and go on a HORSING AROUND date.

horsin_around

JoJo says “I can’t believe how old this little town is.” JoJo, do you not do the completely normal activity of reading the Wikipedia entry of every single place you go? If so, you would have known that this is the oldest continuously occupied European-established settlement in the United States, having been founded in 1565. It’s like going to New York and saying “I can’t believe how populous this little town is,” or going to Chico California and saying “I can’t believe this is the home of Aaron Rodgers and his less successful brother.”

Robbie takes JoJo to Jacksonville to meet his family. Jacksonville is evidently his real hometown but because Jacksonville is North America’s most soulless, desolate wasteland he took her on a date in charming historic St. Augustine first. Maybe he isn’t so dumb after all.

“Call me coach” is the first thing Robbie’s dad says when he meets JoJo. “Call me coach.” I don’t know if there is anything else a dad could say to erode my faith in the family faster than that, except for “have you read my son’s blog?”

JoJo tells Robbie’s mom that she is falling in love with Robbie, and part of the reason she feels like she can say it is because she met his family and felt so wonderful with them. Coach must be a real charmer.

Robbie’s mom tells Robbie that the twittersphere is spreading rumors about Robbie that he broke up with his ex only to go on the show and get on TV. Robbie’s face turns the same color as his salmon shirt and looks furious. Robbie tells JoJo that the internet is ablaze with “right reasons” rumors surrounding Robbie. JoJo becomes very upset and says “why would your ex’s roommate have a reason to lie about you?” I’m no Robbie fan, but I can think of several reasons. Let’s see the…

Reasons Robbie’s Ex’s Roommate Would Lie Power Rankings:

4. She wants attention herself
3. She is not spreading rumors for the right reasons
2. The roommate wants to sabotage Robbie because he hurt the ex
1. Call me Coach

Robbie tries his best to reassure JoJo by telling her he wanted out of the relationship a long time ago but just finally cut the cord a few months ago. He says he hasn’t talked to her since, and it had nothing to do with him going on the show. JoJo still isn’t sure and is worried that an ex would be hovering around their relationship and causing problems.  JoJo also earlier expressed concern that Robbie might not be over this ex. JoJo said she had some really strong feelings for Robbie, but 1) is she lying and 2) did the ex drama just sabotage everything?

Luke

Finally we go to Luke’s hometown of Burnet, Texas.

Burnet

Interesting Fact: Burnet was named after David Gouverneur Burnet, the first president of the Republic of Texas.

David_g_burnet

I question whether this guy was really Texan because he isn’t wearing a denim plaid shirt and driving a truck like Luke does everywhere.

Luke drives JoJo out to a huge family picnic where his family and practically the entire population of Burnet are waiting for him. On the one hand, it’s cool that Luke has so many people who are close to him and wants them to all come to meet JoJo. But on the other hand, you get a really limited time on these hometown dates and they just spent an hour simply saying “Hi JoJo I’m Gouverneur Merle, and this is Merle Jr., and here is baby Merle.” Maybe you could have limited it down to the few most important friends and family so JoJo could actually talk to them for longer than two seconds.

While JoJo is talking to Boomhauer and Dale, Luke talks to his dad and his dad gives him his blessing and tells him to always watch out for Comanches. JoJo compliments Luke’s dad’s barbeque and Luke’s dad has never been more in love since Troy Aikman was wearing silver and blue.

Luke takes JoJo out on a horseback ride. She HAS to be getting tired of horses at this point. Physically, if not emotionally. Luke takes JoJo out into a field at sunset where he tells her “my heart is yours” as a country soundtrack blares on ABC. It looked pretty romantic, but he didn’t say “love.” But on the other hand ABC piped in a country soundtrack. They never do that unless it’s a private concert date! What in the hell is going on??

Rose Ceremony

Prior to the rose ceremony JoJo says to the camera that she is incredibly conflicted but she thinks she wants to say goodbye to Luke.  Then Luke pulls her aside.  At that moment he drops the love-bomb on her and it sends her out onto the runway in tears….and cliffhanger.

After the last few seasons I told myself and my doctor that I wouldn’t get so worked up over cliffhangers, but FUCK YOU CHRIS HARRISON, HONESTLY GO THE FUCK BACK TO YOUR HOME ON PLANET FUCKING STUPID

AngryPiratesMan

Running “right reasons” tally:  11

You’re dead if you drank every time……JoJo wished she was with Aaron Rodgers

POWER RANKINGS

Have to guess here because someone didn’t respect us enough to have a rose ceremony…

CHASE

4. Chase (Medical Sales Rep, 27)

I think Chase ends up getting the boot first.  He’s just too far behind the other guys and didn’t do anything to wow her in his fake stupid town for jerks.

luke

3. Luke (Veteran, 31)

I think Luke’s last second “I love you” maneuver at the airport will save him from getting home in a way it didn’t save me from getting sent home at the airport.  I think he waited too long though and didn’t do enough to stay in the top 2.

Robby

2.  Robbie (Always wears a salmon colored shirt, 27)

JoJo said this week that she is falling for Robbie.  The only other person she’s said that about to my knowledge is Jordan.  So you do the math on why he’s #2 ahead of Luke.

Jordan

1. Jordan (Failed Quarterback, 27)

Tough to see how Jordan could lose this.  Unless he snaps and quits the show when JoJo asks him about Aaron Rodgers in the fantasy suite.

BOLD PREDICTION:  JoJo will only take two guys to the fantasy suite.  I think JoJo is ready to stop fucking around (so to speak) and won’t want to have a superfluous date.  Jordan is her dude but she’ll bring Robbie along for one last ride before rejecting him and blaming it on his ex girlfriend.

 

 

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