Time for the finale. Can Robby prevent the inevitable? Can Jordan convince America that he isn’t a phony? Let’s find out.
This week brings us to Phuket Thailand. Fantasy suite week should have been in “Phuket.” Ugh, I’m sorry.
Chris Harrison starts off the show by saying that JoJo made a “tragic mistake” (referring to being in love with both Robby and Jordan). Great way to set the mood, Harrison.
JoJo’s family is in town- including her sister, her angry brothers, her dad’s mustache, and her drunk ethnically ambiguous mom.
Jordan is first to meet them. Jordan has bought silly hats as gifts for all of JoJo’s family. A cowboy hat for the dad, a pink hat for JoJo, and a hat that says “Melania Trump” for JoJo’s mom.
Jordan says “JoJo is my best friend…” Is that not REALLY weird to be best friends with someone you met and have sort of dated for a few weeks? He probably doesn’t have many friends, so maybe JoJo is just her best friend by default. Fortunately he is a lying phony and he’s just saying what he thinks that JoJo’s mom, Tommy Wiseau, wants to hear.
Jordan feels like his conversations with her parents, especially her dad, didn’t go great. But you can tell JoJo is ready to get married that very instant, so ABC is just trying to build some suspense for the inevitable.
For their final date they get on a [non-catamaran] boat and do lots of making out. She’s anxious because Jordan didn’t ask for her dad’s blessing, but don’t worry Jordan will just flip his hair around and say that he likes her and JoJo will remember all the superficial things she fell in love with.
JoJo says that not asking for the blessing has her feeling like he isn’t really ready to commit. Jordan says he won’t ask for her dad’s blessing unless he knows that he is the one. Because right now there is another guy there, and he won’t get down on one knee unless he knows she wants him to. That…actually makes some sense, but that isn’t how the show works. Also, have you been watching the show, Jordan? She wants you to.
Later Jordan changes his tune and says that he is ready to take a leap of faith. JoJo says it seems like he isn’t being honest with himself. She’s right, but I don’t think she is being honest enough with HERself to actually deny him when he proposes and asks her to chill out at home while he flies around with the SEC network job he got thanks to this show.
Robby is next into the grinder. Robby seems more confident talking about their relationship than Jordan did. Maybe Jordan’s lack of ability wasn’t the reason he didn’t get drafted into the NFL, maybe he bombed all the interviews.
Robby asks JoJo’s parents for their blessing and gets it. Something Jordan didn’t do.
They go swimming and then chat on the beach and JoJo asks him how he pictures their life together. He describes an elaborate scenario where they burn meatloaf while drinking too much sauvignon blanc and their kids are happy because they order pizza instead. It was so detailed that I think Robby might have precognitive abilities and actually was envisioning an alternate reality where JoJo doesn’t chase the celeb lifestyle that a guy who knows NFL players can provide. They get very lovy dovy in their conversation and JoJo says she feels like she could say “yes” to Robby. If only she wasn’t even more in love with Jordan.
In the post-date recap session the family is much more effusive in their praise of Robby. They also let JoJo know that Jordan didn’t ask Dr. Mustache for his blessing and she’s very upset by that because she thinks it might mean Jordan isn’t as committed.
She is worried she is going to have major “what ifs” no matter which one she picks. If she picks Jordan and it doesn’t work out, she’ll wonder “what if” she had picked Robby. If she picks Robby, she’ll wonder “what if” Jordan had reconciled with Aaron Rodgers and she could finally use that to dump Jordan, trade up, and find a real NFL player to date.
Prior to the proposals, Jordan calls her parents and asks for their blessing, then sends her a note letting her that he did so. ABC making sure that all doubt is removed.
Robby is first, and before he can propose JoJo breaks the news to him that he is the reject. This is the least surprising moment in this show’s history. She says she did fall for him but blah blah blah [bullshit to cover up that she wanted Jordan from before she even met Robby].
Jordan proposes, she says yes, and she officially is engaged to the guy she wanted to be engaged to before the show even started. What compelling television.
After the Final Rose
Robby and JoJo have the standard boring conversation where she tells him she did have strong feelings for him and she didn’t want to hurt him but she picked Jordan from day one so someone had to be the loser.
JoJo says it’s been difficult since getting engaged because the tabloids and media have been hard on her by pointing out what fame whores they obviously both are. Plus, tabloid rumors about the bachelorette is part of the rite of passage of this show!
Jordan joins her on the couch and they talk some more about how hard it has been having people question them. They are moving to Dallas together, which will be a good base of operations for Jordan’s career going on the road to cheat on her at SEC games and JoJo’s career of cheating on him with Dallas Cowboys. If they think the tabloids are tough on them now, wait until they have pictures of them cheating on each other in a few months.
Ben’s advice: “You may get criticism, but if you’re getting criticism you are doing something.” Ben, as eloquent and interesting as ever.
Final verdict: They will last long enough to make an annoying appearance on next season of The Bachelor but probably not much longer. Aaron Rodgers will have a long and happy marriage, once again besting his brother.
Be sure to tune in to Bachelor in Paradise, which is quickly becoming the superior show. Thanks for reading!