It’s that time of year..
The Bachelor is back.
This season’s bachelor is Nick Viall.
In recent seasons, the bachelor is usually one of the final contestants from the previous season of The Bachelorette. Nick, though, is an even more pathetic retread than usual. For readers who are uninitiated or readers who like recapping reality TV, here is a painstaking rundown of Nick’s history on the show:
Nick’s first attempt
Nick first appeared as a contestant on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. Nick carved out a niche for himself as a smug intellectual douche, which made him stand out from the smug meathead douche that normally appears on the show. He made it to the final 2, and was heartbroken when Andi chose failed professional athlete Josh Murray over him. At that point most people felt sorry for Nick…until he appeared on After the Final Rose and berated Andi for not choosing him and called her out on live television for sleeping with him during the production of the show.
Nick’s second attempt
After inventing slut-shaming, you’d think Nick would be done. But he resurfaced on the next season of The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn’s season. He was running thirsty Instagram game on Kaitlyn prior to her being picked to be on the show, so when she was picked as the bachelorette, he decided to show up a few weeks into taping and ask to join the competition. Kaitlyn was instantly smitten and Nick settled into his familiar role as the smug douche who all of the other guys hate (while also using the term “eskimo brothers” on network TV). Kaitlyn and Nick slept together, which caused Kaitlyn to get all kinds of slut-shaming hate mail. Continuing a disturbing trend that every woman Nick sleeps with gets slut-shamed. Also a disturbing trend that every woman Nick sleeps with rejects him, as Kaitlyn ultimately didn’t give Nick the final rose and picked eskimo brother Shawn in a stunning upset.
Nick’s third attempt
You’d think being humiliated on TV twice would be enough, but then Nick decided to join Bachelor in Paradise. He immediately hit it off with Amanda, but (in what had to seem painfully familiar to Nick) she preferred Josh Murray. Nick then wooed Jen Saviano but broke up with her at the end of the show when she was expecting a proposal. Bachelor in Paradise was supposed to be about Nick rehabbing his image for this run as the bachelor, but he still came across as a conniving, smug weirdo.
Nick’s fourth attempt
This is all a long way of saying we may be close to having our first villain bachelor in some time (miss you, JP). ABC has posted the bios of women who are competing for the chance to ultimately reject Nick, and in the spirit of the holidays here are some childish insults and hot takes:
Most Likely to Succeed
Danielle M (Neonatal Nurse, 31)
I’m feeling generous so I’ll start off with a non-insulting superlative. Danielle M is my pick for most likely to succeed for two reasons. 1. She is one of the few with a real sounding job. Nick fancies himself an intellectual, so he might gravitate towards someone who can talk about neos and natals and nursing. 2. Danielle mentions in her bio that she was engaged but her fiancé passed away under mysterious circumstances. [I added the ” under mysterious circumstances” part]. A tragic back story, while tragic, is GOLD on this show. The only catch will be if she says her fiancé’s name was “Sanderson Poe.”
Best Fake Career
Alexis (Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, 23)
I think everyone in America who isn’t an actual dolphin trainer considers themselves an “aspiring dolphin trainer.” I hope you get there someday, Alexis.
Stray Observation #1
Nick is 36. Most of these women are in the early 20s and only 2 are over 30. Something seems off about that. Is ABC just trying to appeal to younger viewers by keeping the cast relatively young, or does Nick prefer younger women because they’re more likely to mistake his smugness for wisdom? Or because they’re less likely to remember his slut-shaming, embarrassing appearances on earlier seasons?
Angriest Survey Answer
Kristina (Dental Hygienist, 24)
To the question of “If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?” Kristina answered:
“My biological mother. I’d like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.”
Yipes. I mean the initial part of wanting to know more about her biological mother is normal and touching, but then she throws a savage dagger in the second part. So she wants to inhabit her biological mother’s body on the day that she was so drunk she gave up her kids for adoption? I guess that WOULD be an interesting day to experience, but still.
Survey Answer that Made ME the Angriest
Angela (Model, 26)
Angela was asked for her “worst date moment.” Most of the women asked this question responded with something embarrassing that they did or something extremely rude that their date did.
Angela’s answer was that while they were waiting for a table at the restaurant, her date put his name down as “Batman.”
That is your WORST date moment? That your date cleverly tried to make you laugh by putting a silly name down while you were waiting? I really hope you last long enough on this show to get a humiliating date, you humorless jerk.
Creepiest Survey Answer
Liz (Doula, 29)
The Question: Fill in the blank- “If I never had to ______, I would be very happy.”
The Answer: “Kill someone.”
Um…let’s all keep Liz happy. Maybe keep her away from Colonel Mustard and the observatory.
Least Likely to Succeed
Josephine (Unemployed nurse, 24)
When you come on the show and say you are “unemployed” instead of just making up a job like “aspiring dolphin trainer” or anything with the word “sales,” you are making a bold statement. And that statement is “I have nothing to offer and will be going home soon.”
Stray Observation #2
Almost all of them referenced the TV show Scandal in their survey answers. Often through saying that they wished they were Olivia Pope. Do they all really like Scandal or were they forced to reference only ABC shows? I’ve never seen Scandal but if a bunch of wannabe murderers and unemployed nurses love it, it must be great!
Jasmine G (Pro basketball dancer, 29)
Question: “If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?”
Answer: “Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.”
The Bachelor premiers on January 2. Be there or Liz will come for you.