The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week One

A New Year’s Tradition like hangovers and Rose Bowls, The Bachelor is back!

bachelor

Our bachelor this season is Nick Viall.

nick-viall-1

While experts the world over were shocked and flummoxed by Donald Trump winning the presidential election, it was obvious to me months before November. If a pussy grabbing villain can become Bachelor, then why not believe the same thing could happen in the election? Nick was the canary in the coal mine that you ignored, Nate Silver.

ABC is presenting this as a redemption story (they even used the word “redemption” more than once) but no one is buying it and they should just lean into the villain angle. By the way, imagine being Nick’s family. They’ve been on these shows multiple times and watched their son/brother/uncle get destroyed every time. They have to be so tired and sad about this. And speaking of tired and sad, it’s time to meet the women who are here to fall in love with Nick:

Highlights of the Introductions

-Brittany is a “travel nurse.” In my imagination a travel nurse is someone who goes with you to help you treat hangovers before you board planes or have a long drive on travel. Brittany says she wants to make sure Nick is in good health, pulls out a latex glove, and asks him to turn around and bend over. Preventative medicine is something we should all support.

-Lacey works in marketing, but she arrives on a camel. Why? “I know you like a good hump.” There’s good and bad ways to show up and make a trashy sexual pun, and then there is what Lacey did…which is a GREAT way to show up and make a trashy sexual pun.

-Sarah jogs up to Nick and remarks that since he has been the runner up on this show twice before, she thought he would like someone running up to him. Bold move to remind Nick of two of what had to be the worst moments of his life, but the painfully cheesy pun somehow made it work.

Lowlights of the Introductions

-Josephine arrives with a book that has a hot dog inside of it. She says to Nick- “you’re a wiener in my book.” That is a textBOOK example of how not to do a pun. She then asks Nick “do you want to lady and the tramp it?” I don’t know if anyone has ever been sent home before they set foot in the mansion, but that would have been it for me. It’s early but that is sure to be a contender for “worst moment in 2017.”

-Hailey, a Canadian, tells Nick that she isn’t wearing underwear. Hailey received some coaching from fellow Canadian Daniel before going on the show, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it was revealed that she was wearing an earpiece and Daniel fed her that line, because it landed just as well as all of Daniel’s trashy sexual jokes last season.

-Alexis arrives in a very topical “left shark” costume and insists it is a dolphin costume. This despite the fact that it is a) clearly a left shark costume, b) HAS GILLS. DOLPHINS DO NOT HAVE GILLS.

shark

NOT A DOLPHIN

Stray observation #1

There are a lot of women who claim to own businesses coming on this show. I wonder how many are leaving the show owning still existing businesses after taking a few months off to film a TV show. Corrine even claims to run a “multi-million dollar” business, but it was very obvious from her introduction that she is just a front for her mafioso father.

Stray observation #2

As I said in my preview post- most of these women seem way too young for Nick. Nick is in his mid 30s and the average age of these women appears to be mid 20s. Someone who is 24 or 25 hypothetically could be compatible with someone who is 36, but these particular women seem way too optimistic and clearly haven’t been beaten down enough by life to date Nick. I wonder if Nick asked that the women skew young or if ABC is forcing it on him in the same way Daniel forced the underwear joke on Hailey.
Cocktail party

-Put 30 women in a room with an open bar and tell them they have a few hours to make a good impression on 1 man. As is tradition, they start arguing and crying about who is getting too much time with Nick. Do I have to say this every year? This isn’t a show to make friends. There are 30 women all competing for 1 man, selfishness is the only logical play here. It’s like these girls didn’t even read the wikipedia page of game theory. Corrine, being a member of La Cosa Nostra or a similar criminal organization, clearly understands and she steals lots of time with Nick and is the first to make out with him. Confirming that her “business” is a front for the mafia, she hands him a cartoon villain sack with a dollar sign on it.

thief

Pictured: Corrine

-One of the contestants, Liz, met Nick at Jade’s wedding several months ago. She very bluntly tells us that they had sex and that he asked for her number but she refused (making Liz the third woman, at least, to sleep with Nick and then reject him). Liz thinks this gives her an advantage and does not make her seem like a weird stalker. But if she knows Nick, she should know he is vindictive. He is not going to miss the opportunity to embarrass a woman on national TV for daring to reject him. Nick asks her if she was interested in him, why did she not reach out to him before she just showed up on TV? She doesn’t have an answer. Rule of thumb: if you have a one night stand with someone and don’t contact them at all for 9 months and then suddenly reappear in their life, it had better be because you have a baby.

-Rachel, an attorney from Texas, says that she doesn’t believe in love at first sight which is a startlingly honest opinion for someone appearing on this show. She and Nick appear to have great chemistry and she gets the first impression rose. But NOT the love at first sight rose.

You’re dead if you drank every time…Alexis insisted her shark costume was a dolphin costume. It would have been funny if she wasn’t serious. It was a fucking shark costume, you drunk idiot! Alexis got a rose but I am rooting very hard against her for not knowing basic, Zoobooks caliber biology.

Running “right reasons” tally: 1. Nick actually asked Liz if she was here for the right reasons, and she didn’t have a good answer.

Power Rankings

vanessa

6.  Vanessa (Special Education Teacher, 29)

Vanessa having an actual job and being somewhat worldly clearly impressed Nick. She also is an early front-runner for being the contestant who provides the best commentary in her confessionals.

danielle-m

5.  Danielle M (Neonatal Nurse, 31)

Danielle was soft-spoken but she was one of the few who we saw actually talking to Nick about her life. Nick asked her about her background, her family, her career, etc. On the same night that someone was asking him to double team a hot dog, that stands out.

raven

4.  Raven (Fashion Boutique Owner, 25)

Raven is from Arkansas, which she let us known by doing the razorback yell immediately upon exiting the limo. I think she could be a contender because she and Nick seemed to have some initial chemistry. And the fact that her job involves trying to bring fashion to Arkansas shows that she has the kind of determination and willingness to fail spectacularly that it takes to win on this show.

liz

3. Liz (Doula, 29)

Liz has NO chance of winning. But I still rank her highly because she will be an incredible source of drama. She has no business being on the show. Nick is exactly right that if she wanted to actually date him she could have a) given him her number after they had met, or b) contacted him in the intervening 9 months. Instead she and ABC are very transparent in adding her to the cast to stir up shit. But as a viewer who loves when shit gets stirred, it’s hard to complain.

corrine

2. Corrine (“Business” Owner, 24)

Her mentioning her “multi-million dollar business” will be a great running joke throughout the season, but Corrine is clearly going to play an influential role this season. She is aggressive in the way that only a daughter of the mafia can be, and she is going to bulldoze more than a few other women and then bury their bodies in the endzone of the Meadowlands.

rachel

1. Rachel (Attorney, 31)

Rachel and Nick had great chemistry out of the gate. She also seems like she is one of the few that seems to have a real career that doesn’t involve owning a “business,” so there is potential for her to be an actual person and not someone just trying to get on TV. Obviously there is the issue of a person of color never advancing very far on this show, but Rachel could have what it takes to break TV’s longest standing color barrier.

BOLD PREDICTION: Liz won’t reveal her tryst with Nick for another week or two. But I do think a big reveal will come next week when Alexis reveals that she knew she was a shark all along.

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