The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 3

We ended last week’s episode with a cliffhanger as word started to trickle back to the house of Nick and Liz’s rendezvous at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.  Because they deemed this cliffhanger worthy, SURELY there will be a big payoff with tears and fighting to start this week, right?

waiting

WRONG. The women are surprised but they all immediately seem to move on after talking to him about it.  Makes sense.  If Liz was still on the show racking up roses the others would meltdown.  But Nick sent her home, so what do they care that they slept together 9 months ago?  Definitely NOT cliffhanger worthy, ABC.

One person does melt down, though.  Our favorite nanny-loving mafia heiress: Corrine.  Corrine is upset by the news and decides she needs to “one-up” Liz.  Liz, the person who has already been sent home, REALLY needs to be taught a lesson by Corrine.  Corrine gets drunk, strips down, puts on a trenchcoat, sprays whipped cream on her chest and asks Nick to lick it off.  This scene would have been better if Manwich was still a sponsor instead of Reddiwhip.

If this was a wedding I think Nick would be all about it, but in this environment Nick seems a little uncomfortable.  Nick feeling uncomfortable sends Corrine into a shame spiral and she decides she should just go to bed because she already has a rose [and she’s pretty drunk].

20170117_200007

Consider yourself one-upped, Liz

Nick thinks skipping a rose ceremony is showing disrespect to the other women and doesn’t seem happy.

After the rose ceremony, we commence this week’s dates with a group date.

After the group date contestants are announced, the Backstreet Boys walk into the house.  The girls all freak out, even though most of them were in diapers when the Backstreet Boys were at the peak of their powers.  Smart by Nick, though.  By bringing in BSB it makes his age difference with the contestants look less stark.

The women head to a dance studio to practice dancing with Nick and the Backstreet Boys and then perform on stage with them. Nick (the Backstreet Boy not the Bachelor) not very subtly mentions that the Backstreet Boys will be doing a residency in Vegas and even mentions the specific dates.

Nick (the Bachelor not the Backstreet Boy) seems concerned that some of the Boys might steal his women, but in reality most of them have daughters around the same age and are only interested in being responsible mentors.

The best dancer wins extra time with Nick and Corrine is concerned because she isn’t a great dancer. Also she is probably hungover. She runs away crying and probably calls in some of her Miami connections to threaten to take away Aaron Carter’s supply so that she can win this date.

The girls and Nick (the Bachelor, not the BSB) dance with BSB to the tune of “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”. Here are the ages of the contestants when that song was popular:

Danielle-8
Christen-6
Kristina-5
Whitney- 6
Taylor-4
Jasmine-10
Corrine-5

The Backstreet Boys pick Danielle L as the best dancer, which means she gets to slow dance with Nick on stage while the BSB sing “I want it that way” a capella.  The other women are forced to stand on stage and watch.  Watching that truly showed me the meaning of being lonely.

Later Corrine makes out with Nick and decides to take a nap.  (I think we need someone to look into her blood sugar.  She is always going to sleep after drinking.)  After the nap, Corrine trolls the other women by talking about her nanny and it sends several of them into hate spirals.  The show was trying to play it up like she was a clueless spoiled mafia princess, which she is, but she clearly was playing it up to troll the other ladies.  To great success.  In fact, you could say she was playing games with their hearts.  Danielle gets the group date rose.

-Vanessa gets this week’s one on one date. They are getting into a plane that is going to do parabolic loops so that they can experience zero gravity.  This is usually done to train astronauts and pilots for how to react to the G forces and sensation of weightlessness.  They manage to do the most intimate zero-G kissing I’ve seen since Apollo 13. Because it involves a plane doing high speed climbs and dives, it often causes motion sickness.  Vanessa succumbs and ends up puking several times.  Nick says he doesn’t care, but he knows this might not bode well for their relationship.  Love is often a series of parabolic loops, and if she is going to vomit during this date, who’s to say she won’t vomit when hard times hit in their relationship?

family-guy

Later they have a roof top dinner where they get into the deeper conversation that they couldn’t get into while Nick was doing somersaults around her vomiting.  Vanessa asks Nick why he would go through this process again, and it causes Nick to actually open up that he is nervous he’ll fail again but this date is making him feel optimistic that this time it is going to work out and he even tears up talking about it.  I needed an air sick bag to get through that conversation, but they clearly connected on a deeper level than he’s connected with most of the other women. Vanessa gets the rose.

-Next is a group date with Nick and 7 ladies.

Nick brings them to a track, and mentions that he ran in track in high school and college. Nick you are lucky you went to college so long ago that I can’t look up your college track statistics to blow up this athletic brag.

They are joined by olympic gold medalists Allison Felix, Carl Lewis, and Michelle Carter. Carl Lewis.  Carl Lewis and the Backstreet Boys, two of the 90s greatest recording stars, in one episode!

They are doing a mini decathlon. Long jump, high jump, javelin, sprints, and Nick takes them into a hotel room for the pole vault.

Dominique, who has had no alone time with Nick all season, starts to meltdown about how she’s getting left in the dust. She decides to be this season’s non factor contestant who confronts the bachelor/bachelorette for not giving them a fair chance.  It’s a good thing to assert yourself, it’s not a good thing to assert yourself by arguing with the person who gets to decide whether you stay on the show or not.  She complains to Nick that he hasn’t been checking up on here about how she isn’t feeling great. Nick says- you’re right, I should be honest with you, and honestly I’d be happy if you would go home.

Rachel gets the group date rose.

-Back at the mansion they have a pool party in lieu of a cocktail party. Corrine invites Nick into a bouncey castle where, rather than bouncing around, Corrine straddles Nick and makes out with him. What a waste of a bouncey castle. And, really, a waste of a pool party.

The other women have had enough of Corrine and decide to start complaining about her to Nick. Raven tells Nick about Corrine’s nanny. Jasmine asks Nick if he thinks Corrine is taking it seriously. Taylor uses vague passive voice to criticize her by telling Nick “Some of the girls might question what your intentions are if you’re giving so much attention to Corrine.” Danielle asks if he wants a woman or a girl. Vanessa feels like her one on one date was a sham if she and Corrine are on the same level. She asks Nick- “are you looking for a wife or are you looking for someone to fuck around with?”

Before Nick can say “YES PLEASE” we get a cliffhanger.

You’re dead if you drank every time……Corrine drank.  I haven’t seen a rich woman with a nanny drink like this since Lucille Bluth.

Running “right reasons” tally: 3.  I have a feeling Corrine is going to light up this scoreboard like the Golden State Warriors.

POWER RANKINGS

danielle-m

6. Danielle M (Neonatal nurse, 31)

Danielle didn’t get any time this week.  She needs to step up next week or her chances of this engagement will go the way of her last one.

taylor

5. Taylor (Mental Health Counselor, 23)

It was a quieter week for Taylor but there is some major tension with Corrine brewing.  Taylor clearly thinks her multiple degrees from prestigious universities makes her smarter than a female AJ Soprano.  Well..she’s right.  HOWEVA, I don’t think Taylor knows what she is getting into by kicking the hornet’s nest that is Corrine’s brain.  She shouldn’t underestimate her.

rachel

4. Rachel (Attorney, 31)

After a quiet week last week, Rachel came back pretty strong this week.  She and Nick still seem to have good chemistry and she impressed him by nearly murdering Astrid during the group date.

danielle-l

3. Danielle L (Small business owner, 27)

Small business? Corrine laughs at your “small business” from the boardroom of her multi-million dollar empire.  Anyway, Danielle was the breakout star of this episode.  She and Nick had a pretty deep conversation after the Liz bombshell and they had obvious chemistry while dancing to one of the late 90s greatest hits.  I think her chances to win are….larger than life.

vanessa

2.  Vanessa (Special Education Teacher, 29)

Vanessa puked out her guts and got Nick to pour out his soul.  She also won’t be intimidated by Corrine or her hit squad.

corrine

1.  Corrine (“Business owner,” 24)

Corrine’s trolling about her nanny was one of the most magnificent heel moves I’ve seen on television.  She played the part of the clueless villain expertly.  Don’t get me wrong, she is still 95% clueless.  But she knows she is driving the other girls insane.  She (and we all) just have to hope she can remain slightly less insane than them for a few more weeks.

BOLD PREDICTION: Next week’s cliffhanger will be as bullshit as this week’s.

 

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