The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Week 5

Chris Harrison lets us know that most of this episode will probably be about Taylor vs. Corrine.  America hasn’t had enough of a fight between a condescending but well-qualified person vs. an unintentionally funny megalomaniac, so what’s another two hours?

We pick up in media res with Taylor telling Corrine “I’m not saying you’re an idiot…”

Taylor’s condescending lecture continues, and Corrine may be an idiot but she knows when she’s being criticized.  Corrine fires back that most of the others in the house don’t like Taylor because she doesn’t say hi to them, leading them to think she’s arrogant and isn’t there for the RIGHT REASONS.  Taylor admits that she doesn’t say hi to everyone and suddenly Corrine really has her on her heels.  Taylor says she doesn’t want to say hi to people that she doesn’t like, and Corrine has her down on the mat when she says Taylor is a bully and lacks civility.  Taylor started this with the upper hand but finished unconscious on her back.  Taylor’s condescension can’t repel trolling of that magnitude.

To add insult to injury, Corrine goes to Nick and says that Taylor is causing discontent by not being nice in the house and ignoring the women she thinks she’s better than.  Nick seems concerned and encourages Corrine to keep being the mature one. Corrine put Taylor in a bodybag, plain and simple.

winning

Corrine takes after the GOAT

After a rose ceremony that took place in a barn that looked VERY cold, no one notable goes home and Nick announces the show is hitting the road to New Orleans.

new-orleans

-Rachel gets her first one on one date after starring in group dates previously, and guess what kind of date it is? WALKING AROUND DATE. They do a lot of making out in public, which I think is honestly a little disrespectful. If there’s one city where you are encouraged NOT to overtly display your sexuality in public, it is New Orleans! They do some classic New Orleans activities- take oyster shots, get beignets from Cafe Du Monde, get possessed by the spirit of voodoo god Papa Legbo, yell incomprehensibly about Drew Brees, check out jazz clubs, violently prevent poor people from fleeing hurricanes, and taste fried alligator meat.

Later they have dinner in a warehouse filled with Mardi Gras floats, AKA my worst nightmare/the setting for a really scary horror movie. Rachel tells Nick that the last time she was in New Orleans it was for a funeral and she actually made a vow to herself on that day to live life to the fullest and never hold back, so she’s glad to be back in New Orleans on this show where she is taking a huge gamble on love. That was so sweet that even the murderous clown puppets in the background wept.

mardi-gras

She’s here for the right reasons. I can never leave

Nick says he is “super into” Rachel and Rachel gets the rose.  Geux Rachel!

-Next is a group date with 10 ladies.  They are visiting a haunted mansion.  There is an 8 year old girl allegedly haunting the house.  Good thing Taylor isn’t here or she’d lecture her about how she should gain some emotional maturity and move on to the afterlife.  About half of the girls say they believe in ghosts and are really afraid to be on this date, and the normal half have fun with it.  Both manage to be buzzkills because the ones who believe in ghosts are afraid to do anything to disrespect the dead and the ones that don’t keep buzzkilling all of the haunted house effects like dolls winking and lights flickering and Slimer appearing.

Raven and Danielle (with the boobs) both drop the love bomb.  But Danielle (the other one) manages to get some one on one time with Nick and make out with him while the ghost of the dead girl is chasing the other contestants around the house with a hacksaw. And she gets the rose.  Danielle. Not the dead girl.

-It’s time.

thunderdome

Two women enter.  One woman leaves.  And this one is a real doozy, a tribute Mad Max himself:  Corrine vs. Taylor.

the-joker-celebration-dance-in-batman-the-movie-gif

They head on a motorboat out to the bayou and a voodoo ceremony.  The voodoo priestess tells them voodoo is misunderstood. The dolls are mainly meant for positive energy and the zombies are mainly meant to do the jobs that Americans won’t do.  They each get a tarot card reading.  Taylor’s reading is that she needs to move on from an emotionally tense situation.  Corrine’s reading is that her mouth can get her in trouble.  She asks for a voodoo doll to curse Taylor.  Nick’s card tells him that he just needs one more appearance on this show to win a free sub.

Privately, Corrine tells Nick that Taylor made her feel stupid.  Nick addresses it with Taylor, and Taylor goes into her fresh out of grad school level condescending by telling Nick that “omg nick, Corrine does not even know what ’emotional intelligence’ means, can you believe that? It’s like she didn’t even go to grad school.  By the way, did I mention that I went to grad school and majored in emotional intelligence?”

Corrine tells Taylor she can’t be a real mental health counselor.  Taylor tells Corrine that she can’t be a real multi-million dollar business owner.  Oh no you didn’t, Taylor..

Nick gives Corrine the rose.  I’ve never chanted “Drain the swamp” so loudly.  Taylor just learned a lesson that they don’t teach in grad school.  She just learned how things work in the streets.  This is the biggest victory for America since Matt Damon vs. the pony-tailed Harvard guy in Good Will Hunting.  And like a typical northeast academic, Taylor says she thinks she only lost because Corrine was dishonest and Nick believed fake news:

“All she’s doing is using my words against me.”  That’s how it works, Taylor.  That’s how it works in pretty much anything.

Taylor gets left behind for a voodoo sacrifice as Corrine and Nick continue the date.  But Taylor SOMEHOW (maybe voodoo magic) appears where they are having dinner and…cliffhanger.  Even by the standards of this show this is stupid and contrived.  Taylor lost, get her ass back to counseling.

Running “right reasons” tally:  8

You’re dead if you drank every time…… someone said “emotional intelligence.”  I get that shit enough from my therapist I don’t need it invading my TV shows too.

POWER RANKINGS

raven

6.  Raven (Arkansas, 25)

She told Nick she loved him and seemed like she immediately regretted it. She’s ahead of most of the pack but as the field gets narrowed she is going to need to do more to catch up with the actual frontrunners.

danielle-l

5.  Danielle L (Small business owner, 27)

I guess L stands for “Love” because she told Nick she loves him this week.  Ugh, I’m sorry. Nick wants to bone Danielle but is there more to it?  Probably not, but we’ll find out.

danielle-m

4.  Danielle M (Neonatal nurse, 31)

I think Danielle is a cut below the top 3, but she’s a little bit above the two that were desperate enough to say that they loved Nick.

vanessa

3.  Vanessa (Special Education teacher, 29)

Vanessa came on strong a few weeks ago but has been more in the background lately.  Nick clearly thinks a lot of her, though.  He just knows from his tarot reading that he has to focus on drama and ghosts before he gets back to the girls he actually liked.

rachel

2.  Rachel (Attorney, 31)

Rachel had a great week with Nick and she has also consistently stayed out of any BS drama in the house.  Nick seems like he genuinely likes her, though I do worry that her being an actual person with an actual job could eventually hurt her chances.  Any other week she’d be number 1, but..

corrine

1.  Corrine (Emotionally Intelligent, 24)

The king stay the king.  Corrine somehow mindfucked Taylor into self-immolating and appearing to be the bully that Corrine frivolously said she was.  I’m worried that the producers’ bullshit move of letting Taylor back might sabotage Corrine, but for now there can be no debate as to who is #1.

BOLD PREDICTION:  Several more women who have been mostly anonymous will go home next week.

 

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s