The Bachelor Recap and Power Rankings: Weeks 9 (Parts 1 &2)

We resume after last week’s cliffhanger in Brooklyn with Andi, one of the women to famously reject Nick, here to meet with him.

beastie-boys

What important, pressing issue has brought Andi here? “How’s it going?” That’s what she asks him. “How’s it going?” I’m beginning to think that this is a time-killing stunt rather than a serious discussion!

Andi asks Nick if he’s going to have sex with any of them in the fantasy suite. Nick lies “I don’t know.” Andi says “you have the right to do whatever you want.” Nick apologizes for slut shaming her in his first season on the show, Andi wishes him the best and leaves. That was the first 15 minutes of the show, a conversation that could have easily taken place after a “you up?” text

Chris Harrison once again has a rose ceremony outdoors in cold weather, adding insult and frostbite to injury. Raven, Rachel, Vanessa get roses. Corrine is going home. Unfortunately she decides to go out with class and tearfully wishes Nick good luck before getting in the limo.

Now the show takes us to Inari, Finland

finland

Prior to the dates, Nick describes his relationship with the women.

Vanessa: “amazing”, “chemistry,” “questions left to figure out”

Rachel: “special,” “no verbal affirmation”

Raven: “strong relationship,” “not entirely sure”

Corrine:  “I miss her”  [that was me]

Raven

Raven gets the first date and it is a helicopter date. At first I thought this date was taking place at the DNC because they saw so many snowflakes!

taunt

After the chopper ride they play darts at a bar against local Finns, take shots, and have an argument about steaming vs. ironing. I wish that was a sex euphemism but it really happened. Raven tells Nick that she’s nervous about the fantasy suite because she wants to tell him that she loves him and she wants to see if the physical side of their relationship is there.

Raven tells Nick that she never fully trusted her ex and so she never let herself fully fall in love with him, but she knows what she feels for Nick is love. She describes it as an “easy love,” and Nick says “speaking of easy love, here’s the fantasy suite invite.” She tells Nick she is nervous because she’s only had sex with one person before and she’s never had an orgasm.

“Good, you’re used to disappointment” -Nick

How did it go? I think Nick’s four wheeler did some muddin’.

butthead

Ugh, I sincerely apologize. I think it went well though.

Wait a minute, the show is ending. What the fuck is this? One hour? Ending after one fantasy suite date? This is bullshit.

One week later I’m back waiting to find out if Raven had an orgasm and what am I doing with my life?

It seems like it went well, they both look pretty happy and Raven says “Nick is good at what he does.” I guess a square peg finally found a round hole where it fit.

Rachel

Rachel is next and they are going cross-country skiing, an activity that takes the fun out of skiing. They arrive at a reindeer ranch and talk a lot about Santa Claus while the farmer nearby sharpens his deer skinning knife.

Rachel says she is exciting but also very scared because she has fallen in love and was not expecting to, and knows that with two other women still around she might be getting rejected. But she trusts Nick for some reason. They get on a sleigh, Nick declines Rachel’s very generous offer to call him “Saint Nick,” and they ride off to dinner. Later, Nick tells Rachel he always has fun with her but he isn’t entirely sure where he stands with her and then browbeats her into expressing her feelings. Nick tells her that he’s falling for her too.

Nick invites Rachel to the fantasy suite and she accepts. The next morning it sounds like it went well. Rachel keeps using the phrase “all in” in a non-immature way, so she is definitely smitten. Which is a shame because it’s obvious she is going home soon thanks to the Bachelorette spoiler.

Vanessa

Nick is taking Vanessa on a deranged date where they dunk themselves in ice cold water, then go to a steamy sauna, then go back and forth. Vanessa says “I am going to murder Nick.” Probably not the first person to say that ever, but the first in Finland.

Nick brings up that Vanessa’s family is “very traditional” and he is not, and he’s concerned that her family is “very present,” since he knows that the more family that are present the more likely it is people will convince Vanessa he’s a loser. Nick asks her if she’s willing to compromise on the “family stuff,” and Vanessa is pretty immediately defensive because asking an Italian to compromise on Sunday pasta dinner is like asking an Italian to compromise on not being loud and obnoxious. Vanessa asks Nick if he would consider moving, and he says he’d have a hard time moving to Canada because he loves America. I couldn’t recap the rest of this because I was standing and saluting, but this conversation isn’t going well. Nick has a shit-eating grin on his face while he’s asking if she really needs to see her family.  That’s never a good sign.

Vanessa says she does have concerns about whether this could work, but she is still in love with him. Rachel gets the fantasy suite invite. Nick has no interest in spending any time with her family and she isn’t willing to sell out and move to America, so this is obviously going nowhere. But at least they get a date together where she (probably) won’t vomit.

Rose Ceremony: Nick fortunately lets them have an indoor rose ceremony this time. Raven and Vanessa get roses, he tearfully sends Rachel on to a much better life as the next bachelorette.

Now it is time for THE WOMEN TELL ALL

Normally this is pretty pointless. This year’s might be even more pointless than normal because we already know who the next bachelorette is going to be. EXCEPT- we get more Corrine. And more Corrine vs. Taylor. And more Corrine.

The show starts off with my least favorite thing of the year, which is where Chris Harrison visits Bachelor viewing parties. This is the fakest thing on this show because at none of these viewing parties is there ever a surly guy in the corner with his laptop angrily drinking and recapping events with precise but evocative and creative prose.

They bring out the losers of this season and embarrass them all one by one.

Liz is here to discuss plowing Nick at a wedding/why she came on the show. Liz says at the time she hooked up with Nick she was still hung up on another person so wasn’t really ready to give Nick a chance but then a few months later felt like him being the bachelor gave her a second chance. This is worse revisionist history than Gone with the Wind, and with less exciting swears. She starts yelling about how all women deserve a man who will fight for them no matter what and your sex life is your own business. I agree. And I’m going to remember that while watching you get banged by Daniel on Bachelor in Paradise after two tequila sunrises.

Time to get into Corrine vs. everyone and Corrine vs. Taylor.

Taylor takes the hot seat and the term “emotional intelligence” is now more meaningless than “fake news.” Taylor says at first she just wanted to help Corrine. Oh boy. I’ll tell you the same thing I told all of my teachers, Taylor- it is not your job to teach somebody else a lesson! Corrine, if there is anything wrong with her (which I will never concede), needs to learn on her own. You worry about yourself and don’t try to pretend that you’re trying to “help” her when really you’re just trying to demean her. Some other women jump in with things that I was already yelling- “This isn’t daycare, Taylor,” “Listen to yourself, Taylor,” and “Yes, hello, just leave the pizza at the door and get off my property.” The audience gives Corrine a standing ovation and Taylor says she doesn’t appreciate being shamed for trying to help and trying to explain things to Corrine. Taylor, you just don’t get it, and I’m going to remember that while watching you counsel Daniel on Bachelor in Paradise after two tequila sunrises.

Corrine is next in the hot seat. Corrine defends herself by saying she was one of 30 women there, so wanted to make sure she stood out to Nick by turning up the flirty/fun side, and she recognizes that she was outrageous but she wanted to make sure she had Nick’s attention. Corrine, you get it, and I’m going to remember that while watching you clown Daniel on Bachelor in Paradise after two tequila sunrises.

Nick comes out to face his demons, this is always the most boring part of the show because no answer is ever good enough but the losers want to cry and interrogate anyway. Lacey (who?) confronts him first. Kristina is sad and interrogates him. Danielle (the one with the boobs) cries and interrogates him. Corrine, ever the class act, wishes him the best.

Final Prediction

Vanessa has been a favorite from the very beginning, but Raven has really taken over in these last several weeks.  Her personality seems like a better fit from Nick, and Vanessa has possibly sabotaged herself with expressing hesitation about abandoning her family forever. RAVEN is my pick

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